So you thought the age of millennial miraculism died with the last episode of “Touched by an Angel”? Think again. The makers of “Winter’s Tale,” no relation to Shakespeare’s dark comedy of the same name but based on Mark Helprin’s 1983 novel, deliver huge slabs of cheese and hooey. It’s essentially a feature-length version of “Touched,” though to be fair, it’s not unwatchable. It has plenty of eye candy in the leads and the picture-postcard New York City locations. In fact, “Winter’s Tale” could be the closest thing to the perfect Valentine’s Day date movie, judging by the couples snogging in the theater that very evening. Writer-director Akiva Goldsman has been involved in a lot of quasi-mystical and paranoid fantasy projects such as “I Am Legend,” “The Da Vinci Code,” and the TV series “Fringe.” On the evidence of “Winter’s Tale,” in his debut feature-length directorial turn he has miles to go. The sketchy story, which borrows from a thousand others (“The Little Prince,” “Sixth Sense,” “Devil’s Advocate,” “Ghost,” “The Adjustment Bureau,” etc.), goes something like this: Good and evil have been waging a millennia-long war. Certain good people are destined to perform miracles; then they can go become angels, which are the stars twinkling in the night sky. Good people don’t seem to know they’re angel material, but Lucifer’s minions appear fully aware of their powers. Their mission is to stop miracles from happening. The particular avatars of good and evil in this story are Peter Lake (Colin Farrell), Beverly Penn (Jessica Brown Findlay), and a magical white horse — let’s call them Team Angel — and gangster Pearly Soames (Russell Crowe) and his henchmen —Team Devil. Oh, you also meet Lucifer himself (Will Smith), though he is referred to as Judge and hangs out somewhere in the bowels of the Big Apple. Lake, a petty thief in 1914, has had a falling out with Soames. Apparently, he didn’t want to kill people while committing crimes, which was more goodness than evil could allow. Soames is therefore bent on his destruction. Meanwhile, through the intervention of the horse (played in the film’s only Oscar-worthy performance by Listo, a 14-year-old Andalusian stallion), Lake is brought together with the consumptive heroine, Penn. They fall in love, she dies — though not before he has saved the life of her father (William Hurt); and then … it’s 2014. Here’s Lake again, suffering from a case of time-warp-induced amnesia. He slowly realizes who he is and that he still has to elude the clutches of Soames. He meets a journalist (Jennifer Connelly) and her cancer-ridden daughter (Ripley Sobo). From there to the finish line, it’s a race between the forces of darkness and light (quite literally in this literal-minded movie). The most memorable parts of “Winter’s Tale” are the unintentional moments of hilarity, of which there are many. In no particular order, they include: “There’s a horse on my roof,” spoken by a startled Connelly; Smith roaring judgment over Crowe, and then changing his mind; every scene with Crowe; every scene with Hurt. But in between, there are plenty of harmless close-ups and smooching with cute Colin (though what’s with the hair?) and fabulous Findlay, she the late, lamented Sybil of “Downton Abbey.” Though I laughed aloud, again, when she sat down and played the fast movement of a Brahms’ piano concerto with amazingly languorous arm motions. Who knew? It must be some kind of miracle. “Winter’s Tale” is rated PG-13 for violence and some sensuality. It is playing throughout the region.
