Authors are best at writing

What do authors and radio personalities have in common? Neither one comes off as expected in person. The radio person looks and acts nothing like what he or she sounds like on their scripted radio show. Authors do not do well when they have to express themselves out loud. At least that has been my experience.

Years ago I met a now deceased, very famous science fiction author. We tend to expect famous authors to be larger-than-life, like movie stars, but they don’t seem to know how to do this, coming across as quite ordinary in some cases and as really odd in others.

My science fiction guy was the common variety and a bit coarse. This jarred from the carefully crafted impression of intelligence and suaveness given by his works. It is easy to hide behind the written word where you can rework and restructure your thoughts to make the absolute best impression. Look at my stuff ... OK, bad example.

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Recently I was in a Barnes and Noble on author’s night, quite by accident. I was trying to find something on the shelf that was directly behind the local celebrity author holding court and reading from his work. His intonation varied from expressionless to soap opera sappy as he read in a reedy, thin voice. The effect was hypnotic, and not in a good way.

It is only fair to point out that the hapless writer often does not have a choice. Part of the deal with getting published is that he has to agree to do personal appearances to help promote his book. He does not get paid for this; it is an out-of-pocket expense.

I should also point out that a lot of writers are writers because they are not comfortable around people. Some are positively anti-social, shunning human contact and receding deeper and deeper into themselves as they write. A particular tip-off here is when the content is sarcastic or seems to ridicule repeatedly. Some find this offensive. Like I care.

One of the hard lessons for aspiring authors is that you really have to have a “connection� and, ideally, are already known for something else. This makes you marketable.

Lots of “stars� have written children’s books. This is because children, especially the little ones, do not have much of a vocabulary (they do tend to like sound repetition) and not a clue about story lines. Pair that with an artist who works in bright colors and can draw monsters and Presto! Children’s book.

Bill Abrams lives, reads and writes, in Pine Plains.