CERN and answers before we know the questions

The Large Hadron Collider at European Organization for Nuclear Reseach (CERN) in Switzerland, operated by various scientific and government organizations, is running again. Particles are once again whizzing around (well, the scientists there say they are creeping around so far), building up speed, and sometime next year they should reach top speed and then — WHAMMO! — inside the figure eight chamber they will collide, unleashing tremendous energy, chips off the old block, and all sorts of new discoveries.

Why are they doing all this? To discover what gravity is (no, really, I’m serious — we still do not know how gravity works), to find out just what is inside the atom and, never least, find out things they didn’t know they were looking for. It’s a variation on the old conundrum: You cannot get an answer for questions you do not know to ask. The Large Hadron Collider is set up precisely to cause random experiments never before tried on earth, ever, period.

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And that has a lot of people worried. There are lawsuits to stop the collider because it might produce black holes that could swallow the earth. Less of a big bang, this could be the big vanishing act for us all. Scientists at CERN say this is nonsense as particles hitting the earth from outer space collide like this all the time and even if a singularity (a black hole) was produced, it would eat itself first. There simply isn’t enough energy at CERN to make a real black hole.

Now, on the other hand, they have admitted they are not sure about magnetism produced when these particles will collide at 99.999 percent of the speed of light. That may be a different problem, something the watchmakers in the nearby Jura mountains are not so happy about. It seems that it is theoretically possible a magnetic wave will envelop the area, pulling anything metal toward CERN with considerable force. That includes you, standing in Geneva, wearing a watch (or if your blood is rich in iron).

So why are they taking the risk? Because they are hoping that this practical science will give them the theoretical evidence they need to know how the universe was formed, how you and I are put together (and why we don’t simply melt away — something else they cannot currently explain), and how gravity works. If they can solve those huge questions, mankind could be on the threshold of a great leap forward. Of course, that’s if they don’t kill us all first.

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Speaking of death, well, we all have to go sometime. The industry dealing with you after you’ve passed away has just had its world annual conference in Bologna, Italy.

With 3 miles of exhibits and thousands of attendees, people have been raving about some of the new innovations. There are waterproof cardboard coffins from Britain that are eco- friendly. And in a green tribute, there are services that transport your ashes to the Amazon and fertilize a protected acre of rainforest. Costs range from taking the whole family to the scattering to a video satellite feed into your living room.

Or course, if “till death do us part� is not to your liking, there is a Swiss company that will turn your loved one’s ashes into a memorial diamond so you can wear him or her as jewelry — and unlike real life, diamonds are forever.

Now things get really weird. There are coffins with built-in refrigerators, so your guests at the open viewing can get a cold one while they toast your last journey.

For me, the most bizarre are the coffins with animation motors so that the deceased can wave bye-bye during viewing.

And there are cosmetics uniquely suited to the cold, lifeless skin of the, ah, client. They have special oils and pigments, exotic herbs, all designed to make you look alive, or perhaps better than you did while alive. This is one industry that has never suffered a recession and, it seems, has never hit a dead end.

Peter Riva, formerly of Amenia Union, lives in New Mexico.