Delivering the truth

Tracie had a dilemma. Her brother-in-law was self-centered and made family events “quite trying†and even unpleasant. He would talk more at the table then anyone else, he would “lecture people†instead of including them, and he would always find a way to turn the conversation back to himself.

Tracie said that this scenario had been going on for years. It annoyed her whole family, and her husband was at the point of not wanting to attend family events anymore.

This is when she came to see me. She had reached a breaking point.

“Something has to change; I really can’t take it anymore,†she told me.

We discussed several strategies to deal with the issue.

One option was to cut back on family events, and thereby limit exposure, but Tracie said that was not going to work because it would mean not seeing other family members.

So we discussed the possibility of being proactive in redirecting the conversation when he takes over, and to include other people.

For example, when he started to talk nonstop about one of his kids, she could ask someone else about their children.

She said that she had tried this and it did work at the time, but he just didn’t “get the hint†and change his behavior the next time.

Another option was to talk to her brother-in-law directly about his behavior, but the prospect of doing this felt intimidating to her. She would not only feel uncomfortable delivering criticism, but she was fearful of an angry reaction on his part.

I explained that how criticism is delivered is really the key to whether or not it is going to create a positive outcome.

She thought he would see her message as a personal attack and then try to defend himself and even attack back.

       It’s all in the delivery

If you decide to go ahead with “delivering the truth,†you can try the following:

• Start the letter or conversation with the other person’s positive qualities — and really ramp it up.

This way they will be less likely to see it as an attack.

• Describe a time when you got some harsh feedback that turned out to be really helpful to you.

Talk about how well it turned out in the end.

• When giving negative feedback, go easy. Don’t include every last fault; it may be too much to handle at one time.

Pick one or two things and see how it goes.

• Give specific examples of their behavior. This way, they can connect their fault to how it manifests in their behavior. It’s often hard to see it when you are the one doing it.

• Finish on a positive note and again highlight some positive insights. You might talk about how great it is to have the whole family together; your observations are simply a way to make them even better.

You want to leave the other person feeling like there is real hope for something better in the future.

Tracie said that talking to her brother-in-law might end up as a circular conversation of defensiveness that might never go anywhere.

So she decided to send her brother-in-law a letter. She had her husband and a friend proofread it to make sure it didn’t have an unnecessary charge to it.

It was carefully written, had warm tones, and was very clear. Tracie was surprised to get a phone call from her brother-in-law three days later suggesting they have dinner to talk. She said the conversation went really well and she already sensed a positive shift for future family dinners.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.