Dress up

We never purchased costumes for Halloween when I was a kid. It was part of the fun, my parents said, to see what you could make out of things you could find around the house. This resulted in a lot of white-sheeted ghosts. This wouldn’t have been so bad except Mom didn’t want us cutting holes in her second best percale. This created problems for a would-be Casper as you had to choose between leaving your face exposed, easily confused with a Hari Krishna, or covered, which, while not totally disabling, did lead to a lot of collisions with other grafters, er, I mean trick-or-treaters. If all else failed there was always The Businessman! Any home that owned a suit could supply this emergency backup costume for the unimaginative. You just rolled up the sleeves and pants. You knew you were missing the mark when your customer had to ask, “What are you supposed to be, son?” It was way worse if you happened to be teamed with someone with an actual costume, like a pirate, another popular outfit. Your partner’s clever wire hanger hook-hand only served to underline your lack of ingenuity.When I got older, too old to be extorting from the neighbors without legal consequences, I realized that what I should have said if I really wanted to frighten and horrify, was that I was an IRS agent. Now that’s scary.Both of these costumes had a serious drawback: You had better not damage them. Mom needed those sheets for company and Dad might need his next-best suit when his best was at the cleaners.Unbeknownst to our clientele, kids communicated, differentiating the good stops from the bad. The good stops were the ones that, due to not being prepared, gave money. If there was a visiting relative you did better because they would kick in, too. In 1952 a half dollar was the jackpot. You had to get there fast before they ran out of change. Back then you couldn’t just turn out your lights. The looters would not respect that and you were asking for trouble. No, you had to answer the door and apologize for having run short of largess. The absolute worst was to try to substitute apples. This was healthy food and therefore not acceptable. These homes would later be visited by the Shaving Cream Fairy.Nowadays, when kids get too big for costumes, they just show up at your door in their regular clothes and demand candy. You would think that they would be shooed away. They are not. They have hit upon the scariest costume of all, the homicidal maniac, who looks just like everybody else.Bill Abrams says boo from his home in Pine Plains.

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