Famous for Philandering And for Home-wrecking . . . Who Knew?

    Mostly implausible, often ludicrous, and taking itself far too seriously, “Coco and Igorâ€� should easily sail into most of this year’s Worst 10 lists, including mine.

   This bilingual French entry in last year’s Cannes Festival portrays composer Igor Stravinsky (Mads Mikkelsen) as a drunken philanderer, famed French fashion designer Coco Chanel (Anna Mouglalis) as an unscrupulous marriage-wrecker, and Stravinsky’s wife Katarina (Elena Morozova) as a consumptive victim.

   True, but that doesn’t make “Coco and Igorâ€� any more watchable, except for the delight of cataloging its many unintentionally risible moments.

   Where to begin? With the first scene, I suppose, in which a male lover helps a female lover loosen her corset.  Who are these people?  Igor and Coco?  Those blessed with better facial memory than mine may recognize them later. 

   And anyway, what is the meaning of the scene?  “I don’t understand it,â€� to quote a line repeated more than once by poor Mrs. Stravinsky.

   Cut to the 1913 world premiere of “The Rite of Spring,â€� the one that every person who’s ever had Music Appreciation 101 knows caused a riot.  And, you guessed it — the audience riots! (Contrary to what my mischievous teacher taught me, Stravinsky did not escape through a bathroom window.  Credit the movie for a bit of historical fidelity, and for recreating, in part, the original ballet choreography and costumes.)

   Fortunately, Coco is there to provide closeups of a smart, non-rioting person with good taste in music and men.  She invites Igor to live and compose at her country retreat, family in tow.

   The rest of “Igor and Cocoâ€� consists, in no particular order, of mooning faces, monotone line readings, Cliff Notes musicology, soft- to medium-core pornography, and abundant hurt feelings.  It culminates in a cinematic train wreck that is one part “2001: A Space Odyssey,â€� one part faux-Bergman, and one part every composer movie that ends with huzzahs raining on the tearful artiste.

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 The “Riteâ€� is redeemed, and Coco even designed the costumes for it.

   Who knew Stravinsky was such a stud and a cad? 

   Who knew that for at least a decade after its premiere he worked on almost nothing except the “Rite?â€� 

   And then who decided to use the famed bassoon intro of that piece as post-coital background music  and, at the same time, commissioned an original movie score, which is roughly the equivalent of serving a Big Mac alongside filet mignon?

    Like the lady said, “I don’t understand it.â€�

   We don’t learn much about Coco, incidentally, other than she was a fabulous dresser and man-hunter, but the movie’s most hilarious moment belongs to her, when she visits a perfume factory.  Five perfumes on a table . . . guess which one she chooses.

   There are oodles of moments of creative ferment in history at which I would love to have been a fly on the wall.

    Halfway through “Coco and Igor,â€� however, I wished someone could have swatted me senseless.

   Really.

   “Coco and Igorâ€� is playing at The Moviehouse in Millerton, NY.  It is rated R for some strong sexuality and nudity; in French and Russian with English subtitles.