For the love of books: Where have all the novels gone?

Vanity Fair magazine under the guidance of Tina Brown once coined the word “cliterature,� which I suppose will be the category of all of those future Tiger Woods books.

Then there’s the politico topic from Carl Rove, whose book is listed as (believe it or not) “nonfiction.� Suddenly a guy whose words were never believed while he was in power at the White House is nonfiction!? Poor fiction! It takes a back seat to nonsense.

The unfortunate reality of publishers and literary agents is that nobody’s looking for novels (fiction) because most fiction these days is published as nonfiction.

I don’t expect the Tiger Woods books to be much more than carefully worded nonlitigious nonsense, but the talk shows (TV land) will offer visuals of sexy authors hustling books that have the socially redeeming qualities of poop in a punch bowl. Hey, they’re books!

“Book� is a great word suggesting education, wisdom, knowledge but we’re dumbing down the world with talk show guests from hell. Publishing and show biz merge with Leno, Stewart, Colbert and above all Oprah; if you can’t plug a book on talk shows, your talent doesn’t matter. Fact is, Oprah’s the only TV host who had the accidental honesty of promoting a work of fiction as nonfiction.

Then there’s the nonfiction fitness-guru books; my favorite was Jane Fonda. After scoring millions hyping her trim, healthy looks based on diet and exercise, she finally openly admitted to being anorexic and bulimic. The former Mrs. Haydn and Mrs. Turner was starving and barfing her way to millions in nonfiction book sales.

That’s probably the case with many of the fitness book types, which included a book published many years ago called “Calories Don’t Count.� The author got in trouble with the law because calories DO count. But TV hosts rarely question these authors because future guests would avoid the show, and B.S. stands for Big Sales.

The book market also reminds me of a walk-on I did some years ago trying to piece together an article about filmmaking in New York. While being escorted through the nuts and bolts of a film shoot, I was introduced to the production assistants on the set as the sons and daughters of rich and famous folks. I wondered aloud, “Hey, you guys ever hire any ordinary people as assistants?� Publishing books has that M.O. (modus operandi) since the right cocktail party can sell a book contract.

I confess to being the beneficiary of an event like that some years ago. The party was a civil rights event at an actor’s house and the editor standing near me told me to come up to his office to sign a three cartoon-book contract.

Now, that never happened to me while hanging around in a Brooklyn candy store or running the obstacle course during infantry training at Fort Benning, Ga. Lord knows I needed the money, but there’s that book title “Being There� that sure helped. I’m not sure of the category: humor, I guess.

Novel as in “novel idea� is a good thing but novel as a work of fiction is a nasty word. Many book reps openly announce their refusal to represent the authors of fiction and others who handle novels break it down to small percentages the likes of handling 75 percent nonfiction, 25 percent fiction, or in many cases, less.

I once drew a cartoon about Charles Dickens bringing a manuscript of “A Christmas Carol� to a literary agent’s office with the agent shouting, “Hey, this guy sees ghosts then gives away money. Hey, Dickens, what’ve you been shovin’ up yer nose?�

Fiction’s in the publishing doldrums, even more so now than it was many years ago, but I keep a small book on my bookcase with the realistic title of “Rotten Rejections.� The book contains some rejection notices given to some of the heavy hitters of world literature. It offers an enlightening view of the madhouse called book publishing, and also its positive advice to continue working, as the victims of the rejections obviously did. Here are a few examples of books, authors and rejection letters:

“The Good Earth,� by Pearl Buck (1931)

“We regret the American public is not interested in anything on China.�

“Mastering the Art of French Cooking,� by Julia Child (1961)

“… might well prove formidable to the American housewife, she might be frightened of the book as a whole.�

“Lolita,� by Vladimir Nabokov (1955)

“I recommend that it be buried under a stone for a thousand years.�

“Lady Chatterly’s Lover,� by D. H. Lawrence (1928)

“For our own good do not publish this book.�

“Gentlemen Prefer Blondes,� by Anita Loos (1925)

“Do you realize, young woman, that you’re the first American writer ever to poke fun at sex?�

“The Naked and the Dead,� by Norman Mailer (1948)

“… problem posed by the profanity and the obscenity of its dialogue. In my opinion it’s barely publishable.�

“Moby-Dick,� by Herman Melville (1851)

“We do not think it would be at all suitable for the ‘juvenile market’ in this country.�

“Catch 22,� by Joseph Heller (1961)

“I haven’t the foggiest idea about what the man is trying to say.�

That list of publishers’ rejection commentary is a great driving force in the field when one considers how wrong they were. So, to hell with nonfiction. I’ll continue fighting with my manuscript/novel because (crazy thought) I love the work and, as Jules Feiffer once said, “The most important thing is the work.�

Bill Lee lives in New York City and Sharon, and has drawn cartoons for this newspaper, and many other publications of note, for decades.