Mr. Clean

I clean. That’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. Not everyone would agree. You have heard the old adage, “Anything worth doing is worth doing well.� My version is, “Half a job is better than none.�
If I were in charge of home furnishings, every room would have a brown rug. These are the most forgiving of accumulated debris and dirt. You don’t have to vacuum these babies every day. The dog hair and tracked-in dirt kind of bond to the surface and become part of the rug, absorbing punishment and saving wear and tear.
Floors that cannot be enrugged should be done in Teflon. You could wear sneakers or slippers around the house (most people do anyway) to keep from damaging the easy-to-clean surface.
Only certain windows really need to be cleaned. Which ones do you actually look out of to see the birds or what the neighbor is doing? Those are the ones.
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Recently I proudly announced to my wife that I had “cleaned the living room.� Later that day the questions began. “Did you dust?� I just gave her a blank stare. Dust? DUST!?! What the… Since when is dusting part of cleaning? Everyone knows that you only have to dust when you can write your name in it. Otherwise, what’s the point? Besides, I like to see the results when I work. If you don’t let it pile up, you can’t see what you have accomplished.
Next question: “Didn’t you do behind the couch?� This is not so much a question as an accusation. Now I have to explain the obvious. Nobody is looking behind the couch. Why would you clean there? Overuse of the vacuum cleaner will only wear it out prematurely.
Most men clean differently than women. It is a genetic thing relating to their eyesight and brain function. Men actually do not see many of the things that women do, kind of like not hearing the really high frequencies.
A man looks at a room and if there is space to seat himself, set down a glass of beer and a sandwich, and there is an unobstructed view of the television, it is fine. Women (evidently) see all kinds of other stuff that needs to get done. I am taking this on faith. I haven’t actually seen them.
Uh oh. She is going to plump up the couch cushions. “I wouldn’t start beating on those if I were you. You might have to dust afterward.�

Bill Abrams resides in Pine Plains