North to I'll Ask Ya

Let me begin by saying that north is at the top of the map. Men do map directions using the points of the compass. Women use right turn-left turn, which changes where you actually wind up depending upon which way the map is held.

When my wife and I travel together in the car, I usually drive. This is kind of old-fashioned, but she doesn’t like traffic much and on a trip of any length you are bound to get into some of this. Occasionally I need guidance, especially if we are in unfamiliar territory. It goes something like this:

Me: “Where do I turn next for Interstate 495?�

She: “Where are we now?�

Me: “We are on Interstate 90.�

She: “That doesn’t help.�

Me: “The even numbered Interstates run east and west. The odd numbers run north and south.�

She: “There is no north on this map. Stop and ask someone.�

Men, of course, do not ask for directions. It violates the basic male instinct to not show weakness, especially to another male. Men are constantly involved in this pecking order thing, attempting to dominate one another.  Some do this by talking really loud, some with an overdone handshake grip and some by standing too close when they talk.

u      u      u

On the road we do this by passing one another, then pulling back into lane in front of the car just passed. It is not about who is the fastest, but rather about who is first. Of course, no matter how many times you pass there is still another car in front of you, so it is kind of a never-ending process. The ultimate exhibition of this behavior is the police cruiser that zips by everybody on the Interstate.

Directions come in two forms: overdone and underdone. Overdone is when street names and landmarks are rattled off in a list that you could never hope to remember  and couldn’t write down fast enough even if you had a pencil and paper, which you don’t. Underdone is like in the old Chevy Chase movie, “Funny Farm,â€� when the local tells the truck driver to drive down to the corner where the red barn used to be, then turn.

Now many people today use a GPS. This supposedly tells you exactly where to go and when to turn. This is, of course, impossible. They are not fooling me into paying for one of these. How could you have a map of everywhere in that little thing? They tell me that it speaks to them.  Yeah, and my dog tells me how to manage my finances.

If I just keep driving around I am bound to see something that looks familiar. Ooh, look. Buzzards.

Bill Abrams resides (and reads road maps) in Pine Plains.