Relationships on your own terms

We have all had friendships that felt unsupportive or even draining in some way. And, even though it might be painful, we may choose to limit or even discontinue contact with those friends. With close family members, however, it is more complicated, as our feelings of loyalty can override our instinct to create distance.

One of my clients finds her relationship with her mother to be tremendously challenging. She says that 80 percent of the time her mother is fine to be around, even a pleasure. The other 20 percent of the time she says her mother can be unpleasant or mean. She says when they get together or talk on the phone, there are certain topics that her mother brings up that start a downward spiral for both of them.  

I asked specifically what these were, and she said the biggest ones were her weight and the fact that she doesn’t have a job.

We started to make changes by creating some guidelines about phone calls, since that was the way they communicated the most. Her mother lives four hours away, and my client said they spoke about three times a week. They both initiated phone calls equally, even though she called her mother sometimes out of a sense of obligation more than a desire to talk.  

The conversations always started off well, but it seemed that the longer they stayed on the phone, the more chance there was that her mother would make a negative comment that would result in an unpleasant ending to that call.  

I asked her how many times a week, in an ideal situation, she would like to talk to her mother on the phone and how long a “safe†conversation would be. At first, she had trouble answering the question because she just could not believe that she could dictate the terms of a phone call with her mother!

Finally she said that two calls a week would be ideal, and that the conversations should last no longer than three minutes. Even though she felt guilty about restricting the phone calls so severely—it took her a few moments to get used to the idea—she agreed to try it, effective immediately.  

I also reminded her that when her mother called her, she was not obligated to pick up—that she could talk to her mom completely on her own terms. She could let the machine pick up and then call her mom back when she was ready, the next day or even the following week. This concept seemed shocking to her at first, but when I explained that it was her right to do this, a light bulb went on in her head.  She was already starting to feel more empowered.

Next I taught her some polite ways to get off the phone when the three minutes was up, since that was something she felt anxious about. I reminded her that lying wasn’t a good idea, so I suggested she call her mom a few minutes before she had to leave for gym class or to run errands so she had a legitimate excuse to get off the phone. Or she could call from her cell before going into a restaurant, at which point she would need to get off.

Finally, we practiced ways she could respond when her mother brought up the two hot-button issues. In response to a dig about weight, she could say, “I am seeing a really good nutritionist and we set up a good plan to help me lose weight over the next two years. I really like him and I think going slow is going to work.â€

When needled about her job situation, she might say, “I am really enjoying this break, I have saved up enough money to do this and I needed it. I think I will start to look around sometime in the beginning of next year, that is my plan.â€

Four weeks went by, and she was amazed by what happened. There had not been any sort of meltdown with her mother, which she declared was a new “world record.†She knew it would not last forever, but with the tools I gave her, she felt better equipped to deal with inevitable future flare-ups.

An affirmation: “I create a structure in my relationship with (insert challenging person) and that is healthy for both of us.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships.  To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.