Tell the board what’s what

Gina had been an overachiever since her late teens.  She excelled at school, and then at her job, and everything else she did — including competitive sports and even her social life. But her inner drive to be the best at everything was not really working for her. “I always expect to have this great sense of fulfillment every time I accomplish something, but it only feels good for an hour or so, and then I need to look for the next challenge. It’s exhausting with no finish line.”

Gina has a performer-type personality. We all develop personality traits to respond to our survival instincts as kids. Gina felt worthless, unloved and unpopular as a girl and found she could have all these things through her achievements. She became a high achiever and performer so that she could survive in the world.

Other examples of personalities we take on are the giver, the perfectionist, the fun- lover, the critic, the victim, the controller, the helper and there are many more.  I call these sub-personalities our board of directors. We have access to all of them, but our survival programming promotes one quality to be the chairman of the board, and that one is our dominant personality.

The Problem

The problem is that when one sub-personality is in charge, we can lose balance in our lives. For Gina, she found she was never able to really enjoy herself. As a performer, she was always striving to achieve excellence in everything she did, constantly thinking about what had to be done next, being competitive with her peers, and overworking in general.

The Solution

I suggested to Gina that this was a good time for her to let another of her board members play the role of chairman for a while. We agreed that fun-lover should take charge occasionally in order to bring some healthy balance into her life. As a member of Gina’s board, fun-lover had been locked in the closet for years and it was time to give her some air!

Bringing fun-lover out once in a while meant taking her focus off her never ending to-do list and goals, and allowing herself to simply have more fun. I suggested a new routine called Fun Fridays. Every Friday after work, Gina agreed to plan something that was simply fun. She planned massages, dinners out with her friends, movies and dancing. No work after work on Fridays, just fun!

The first Fun Friday, she felt very guilty, like it was too indulgent. But after that she realized it was OK to have some fun and it was healthy for her.

Performer was taking a much needed break and fun-lover was being let out of the closet to chair the board for Gina on Fridays.

The Result

Achieving a more balanced life for Gina meant having awareness about when her drive to perform was not healthy for her — and then deciding to allow herself to have more fun and relax a little more. She still could perform at a high level whenever needed — but she was more able to choose when that was.

 Maybe its time for you to shake up your board of directors and create more balance in your life.  If you are a performer personality type like Gina, it may be time for you to let fun-lover out and add some joy to your life.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.