Try reverse e-mails

Sometimes, people have trouble talking about problems they have with others.

Here’s a novel way to get troubling ideas across to someone else.

One of my clients, Jenny, had a good relationship with her brother, but as with many siblings, they occasionally had disagreements that left both of them feeling angry and hurt.

When this happened she felt the need to clear the air by talking to him on the phone. The problem was that when she tried this, her brother would not respond — he would ignore her e-mails and not pick up the phone when he saw her number, because he was so upset.

So she was stuck waiting it out until he was ready to talk, which to her felt painfully long, even if it was just a few days.

What could she do? I suggested that the next time they had a blowup, she try one of my favorite tools for opening up a dialogue. It’s called the “reverse e-mail.â€

A few weeks later, Jenny had an opportunity to use this strategy when Bob changed their joint vacation plans at the last minute without consulting her. Once again he froze her out when she tried to talk to him about how upset she was.

I helped Jenny craft the e-mail by getting her to think of what she wished Bob would say to her. After she wrote it out, I had her send it to Bob, signed by Bob. Her e-mail went something like this:

Dear Jenny,

I just want to tell you that I am sorry I changed the house rental dates without consulting you first. I know that caused some problems for you and probably created more work for you. You have been a great sister and I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you do to keep our family together!

Love you, Bob

Jenny was nervous because she wasn’t sure how Bob would respond, but she saw what I hoped she would — that the intention of the reverse e-mail was to inject some levity into a potentially charged situation, hopefully making it easier for him to “hear†her.

When Bob got the note, he was a little shocked at first, as Jenny later learned. But then he chuckled — and proceeded to use the exact same format to share his own feelings. His reverse e-mail to her went something like this:

Dear Bob,

No, I want to thank you for everything you do! Thank you for helping me find that incredible summer camp for Billy, thank you for taking care of Dad after the surgery, thanks for arranging almost the entire family reunion and for paying for most of it last year, thanks for being there in a real pinch for me a few years ago, I couldn’t have made it without you.

Love, Jenny

Jenny was thrilled that Bob responded, but she was a little ruffled by what she called “the heat behind the humor.†Clearly he was doing some venting of his own, and it was tough for her to accept. She also worried that she’d stirred the pot too much and that it would backfire on her during an upcoming family dinner.

But to her absolute delight, there was no backlash at all. In fact, Bob told the entire table about their reverse e-mails and how great they were. And he seemed lighter and friendlier toward her throughout the evening. It was clear the reverse e-mails had provided a safe and less tense way for both of them to communicate real feelings that previously they had not been able to share. Even though there was some uncomfortable heat in the exchange, it was healthy for both of them.

Since that time Jenny and Bob have continued using this strategy to communicate about their sensitive feelings with equally good success.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who helps individuals make lasting changes in their career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com. Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.