Waxing eloquently

Wax.  Look it up on Wikipedia and you will find this to be a very complex item. There is a lot about hydrocarbons and plant waxes and petroleum derivatives.

So, what were we chewing when I was a kid? Beats me. It came in the form of wax lips (which we thought were hilarious and well worth the money), tiny wax “sodaâ€� bottles with sweet syrup inside and a kind of pan flute that was orange and you could actually make sounds with before you stuffed it into your mouth to chew all of the sweet flavoring out of it.  They were toys and they were food!

Somehow I can’t believe that the manufacture or handling was in any way sanitary. Back then we were not quite so germaphobic, relying on our natural resistance to ward off bad stuff. There weren’t quite so many people to catch things from. Cause or effect?

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Candles are wax these days. Some used to be tallow, which is rendered animal fat. You had to really need light to put up with the odor.

There seems to be different densities of wax. Your plumber’s candle, that short, fat, white candle, will burn for hours, throwing off quite a light. I read somewhere that this is what plumbers used before they had flashlights and had to work in dark corners and under sinks.

Tall candles don’t seem to burn quite so long, but are very dramatic, especially when mounted in those candelabras like they use in the Dracula movies. I have two of these. I also have a vampire killing kit, just in case.

Birthday candles can go either way, as a fun item or just annoying. They don’t burn very long, but are bright and cheery.  You never seem to have enough birthday candles around the house. It’s  little Timmy’s first birthday and somebody must run to the store before they close and find some.

I thought I did great. Nobody appreciates creative thinking when it involves a plumber’s candle.  

The older you get, the less fun birthday candles seem. Now we are running around for candles again — lots of candles. Best disconnect the smoke alarm and wet down the cat.

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There is also “Wex.� This is what Inspector Clousseau finds on the floor and slips on at the museum when the Pink Panther Diamond is stolen. For some strange reason we often cover floors with this and then wonder why our homeowner’s insurance is so expensive.

Do not confuse the above with “whacks.� This is what happens when the Goodfellas no longer find you an asset to the organization.

Bill Abram waxes poetic from Pine Plains.