When Old TV Is So Bad It’s Delicious

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“The Slumber Party Massacre” (1982) demonstrates, once again, why it is vitally important to keep a neat tool bench.

Why is it of vital importance?

Because you never know when a fiend armed with a drill will crash your slumber party and require repelling.

Summary: Plenty of gratuitous nekkidity.Tight pants on everyone, even the killer. Gravity-defying 1980s hair, also on everyone. Many many many “Oh don’t open the door” moments. Corpse in refrigerator. Death by pizza delivery. Post-mortem pizza eating. A paltry two quarts of blood. Discussion of Los Angeles Dodgers roster. Stupid creepy next-door neighbor. Magic portable drill that never needs charging. Almost everybody dies. Everybody should see “The Slumber Party Massacre.” And hardly anyone will want to see it twice.

“Invasion of the Girl Snatchers” was the title given to the mid-80s re-release of the 1973 exploitation flick “The Hidan of Maukbeiangjow.” That’s pronounced “Mawk bee ang jow.” Just like it’s written.

Aph, a hippie wizard, is under the control of the evil alien Utaya, who is in the body of private detective Sam Trowel and thus forced to wear Trowel’s truly unfortunate double-breasted sport coat.

There are bad guys and less bad guys and big 1970s land barges and zombies and alien confusion about human anatomy.

And hippies. Lots of hippies.

Aph wears a robe, has one of those broccoli haircuts  and says things like: “Wait! I question the ability of his astral shell to pierce the vortex of Etheria and yield its harvest to the upper kingdom.”

Well, its hard to argue with that. 

“Fraternity Demon”  (1992) answers the question “What happens if you chant ancient spells during a frat party?”

Why, a scantily-clad female demon shows up.

Fun-loving Tony has the time of his mortal life, in an extended scene underneath Isha, the demon (played in a rather detached manner by the immortal Trixxie Bowie).

This scene has some wonderful dialogue:

Isha: More? More?

Tony: Uggh. Aagh.

Isha: Oh, oh, oh. It’s been centuries.

Moving right along, we find the incomprehensible “Belcebu: Diablos Lesbos” (2005). This exciting horror film was shot in the dark. I had to check the settings on the TV to make sure I hadn’t set it on super-dim by mistake.

There’s this junkie hooker and she goes to jail for a while and when she comes out she goes back to her old ways but in the meantime her old squeeze Toni has become Belcebu the death horror Satan rock star and they have a party and there’s sex and really horrible devil rock and fat businessmen in their shorts and the Devil in the bathtub and everything burns up and it’s in Spanish with half-hearted subtitles.

Finally, 1958’s “The Wild Women of Wongo”  is the film that answers the question “What if there were two tribes living on two islands and the men on the island of Wongo were ugly brutes but their women were comely, and the men of the island of Goona were all Adonises but the women looked like the late Boris Yeltsin?”

That’s the set-up. Add a dragon cult, a third tribe of ape men, and a parrot, and you’re ready for some alliterative fun.

Parrot as Greek chorus. Stock footage of alligator, as god. Girl wrestling alligator. Worship of rubber alligator on a stick. Ape men, looking suspiciously like the Goona men with mud smeared on their faces. A brief visual discourse on the difficulty of accurate spear-throwing. 

Bewildering.