Yes, be selfish, it could be good for you

Rhonda was always doing things for other people and saying “yes” to requests. Often, she found herself completely exhausted emotionally and physically; sometimes all she could do then was stay home in bed all weekend, watch videos and eat junk food. She told me this cycle had been going on for years and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t change. I reminded her of the instructions we all have heard on airplanes: In an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping your children with theirs, because if you’re gasping for air you can’t really help anyone else.So why wasn’t Rhonda taking care of herself? Like most people, she had subconscious beliefs keeping her from from making healthy choices. We identified the three biggest ones.• It’s selfish to really take care of myself before everyone else.• I don’t deserve to do things for myself.• People really need my help.These beliefs were always running through her head and keeping her from doing the right thing for herself. I asked her for some beliefs that were more true than the above limiting beliefs.• If I don’t take care of myself, I am no good for anyone else.• If I put myself first, I can do more for myself and for everyone else.To help start a new pattern, you need to take action. I asked Rhonda specifically what she could do to take care of herself in the next two weeks. Some of her ideas:• Get a massage.• Leave work by 5:30 p.m. most days.• Take the time to eat a healthy lunch instead of wolfing down a sandwich at her desk.For Rhonda, this changed the idea of self-nourishment from theoretical talk to an action plan that she could actually start on that very week.I asked Rhonda to visualize the new way she wanted to be regarding an upcoming baseball game outing. Instead of calling everyone and organizing meeting places and transportation, she was going to let someone else do it. And instead of running to get food for everyone at the game, she visualized just sitting there and enjoying the game. After the outing, she reported, “It was a new experience to just relax and enjoy myself!”If you are a giver by nature, it is unlikely that you will turn into a selfish monster when you start to make yourself a priority. I have never seen a natural giver stop giving when they started to take care of themselves. This applied to Rhonda as well.The more Rhonda put herself first, the more she came to see that people got along just fine without her help, and didn’t think any less of her when she said no. She noticed that almost no one gave her a hard time when she said no to a request.Remember: If you don’t keep yourself in good physical shape, you might not have the stamina to do everything you need to do and to help other people.If you’re not getting enough sleep, you may not be as alert as you need to be to get everything done.If you’re overworked, things might slip through the cracks in your personal life and reach a crisis point. If you’re doing things for others to the detriment of yourself, you might feel resentful, and this is certainly not the way you want to show up for everyone else. Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email bloening@snet.net.

Latest News

Roomful of Blues set for April 17 show at Infinity Hall in Norfolk
Photo provided

NORFOLK –Roomful of Blues, the Rhode Island-based band hailed by DownBeat magazine as being “in a class by themselves,” will bring its mix of blues, jump, swing, boogie-woogie and soul to Infinity Hall in Norfolk on Friday, April 17, at 8 p.m.

The long-running group, formed in 1967, is touring behind its Alligator Records album Steppin’ Out!, released in late 2025.

Keep ReadingShow less

Robert E. Stapf Sr.

Robert E. Stapf Sr.

MILLERTON — Robert E. Stapf Sr. (Bobbo), a devoted husband, loving father, grandfather, great grandfather, brother and friend to many, passed away peacefully on April 9, 2026, at the age of 77, happily at home surrounded by lots and lots of love and with the best care ever.

Bob was born Jan. 16, 1949, to the late Peter and Dorothy (Fountain) Stapf. He began working at an early age, met his forever love, Sandy, in 7th grade and later graduated from Pine Plains Central School.

Keep ReadingShow less

Michael Joseph Carabine

Michael Joseph Carabine

SHARON — Michael Joseph Carabine, 81, of Sharon, Connecticut, passed away on the morning of Friday, April 3, 2026, at Bryn Mawr Hospital in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. He was the beloved husband of the late Angela Derrico Carabine and loving father to Caitlin Carabine McLean.

Michael was born on April 23, 1944, in Bronx, New York. He was the son of the late Thomas and Kathleen Carabine of New York.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Chion Wolf brings ‘Audacious’ radio show to Winsted with show-and-tell event
Nils Johnson, co-founder and president of The Little Red Barn Brewers in Winsted, hosted Chion Wolf and her Connecticut Public show “Audacious LIVE: Show and Tell,” which was broadcast on April 8, drawing a sold-out crowd.
Jennifer Almquist

The parking lot of The Little Red Barn Brewers in Winsted was full on Wednesday, April 8, as more than 100 people from 43 Connecticut towns — including New Haven and Vernon — arrived carrying personal treasures for a live taping of “Audacious LIVE Show & Tell.”

Chion Wolf, host and producer of Connecticut Public’s “Audacious,” and her crew, led by production manager Maegn Boone, brought the program to the packed brewery for an evening of story-driven conversation and shared keepsakes.

Keep ReadingShow less
Marge Parkhurst, the preservation detective

Marge Parkhurst with a collection of historic nails recovered from wall cavities during restoration work.

Photo courtesy of Marge Parkhurst/Cottage & Country Painting Company
Walls still surprise me. If you look hard enough, you can find buried treasure.
Marge Parkhurst

After nearly 50 years of painting some of Litchfield County’s oldest homes and landmark properties, Marge Parkhurst has developed an eye for the past—reading the clues left behind in stenciled vines, forgotten bottles and newspapers tucked into walls, each revealing a small but vivid piece of Connecticut history.

Parkhurst was stripping wallpaper in a farmhouse in Colebrook — the kind of historic home she has spent decades restoring — when she noticed something odd. Three layers of paper had already come off — each one a different era’s idea of decoration — and beneath them, just barely visible under dull, off-white plaster, a pattern emerged.

Keep ReadingShow less
Wings of Spring performance at the Mahaiwe Theater
Adam Golka
Provided

On Sunday, April 19, at 4 p.m., Close Encounters With Music (CEWM) presents On the Wings of Song at the Mahaiwe Performing Arts Center in Great Barrington.

The program focuses on Robert Schumann’s spellbinding song cycle Dichterliebe (“A Poet’s Love”), a setting of sixteen poems by Heinrich Heine that explores love, longing, and the redemptive power of beauty. Featured artists include John Moore, baritone; Adam Golka, pianist; Miranda Cuckson, viola; and Yehuda Hanani, cello.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.