Yes, be selfish, it could be good for you

Rhonda was always doing things for other people and saying “yes” to requests. Often, she found herself completely exhausted emotionally and physically; sometimes all she could do then was stay home in bed all weekend, watch videos and eat junk food. She told me this cycle had been going on for years and she didn’t understand why she couldn’t change. I reminded her of the instructions we all have heard on airplanes: In an emergency, put your oxygen mask on first before helping your children with theirs, because if you’re gasping for air you can’t really help anyone else.So why wasn’t Rhonda taking care of herself? Like most people, she had subconscious beliefs keeping her from from making healthy choices. We identified the three biggest ones.• It’s selfish to really take care of myself before everyone else.• I don’t deserve to do things for myself.• People really need my help.These beliefs were always running through her head and keeping her from doing the right thing for herself. I asked her for some beliefs that were more true than the above limiting beliefs.• If I don’t take care of myself, I am no good for anyone else.• If I put myself first, I can do more for myself and for everyone else.To help start a new pattern, you need to take action. I asked Rhonda specifically what she could do to take care of herself in the next two weeks. Some of her ideas:• Get a massage.• Leave work by 5:30 p.m. most days.• Take the time to eat a healthy lunch instead of wolfing down a sandwich at her desk.For Rhonda, this changed the idea of self-nourishment from theoretical talk to an action plan that she could actually start on that very week.I asked Rhonda to visualize the new way she wanted to be regarding an upcoming baseball game outing. Instead of calling everyone and organizing meeting places and transportation, she was going to let someone else do it. And instead of running to get food for everyone at the game, she visualized just sitting there and enjoying the game. After the outing, she reported, “It was a new experience to just relax and enjoy myself!”If you are a giver by nature, it is unlikely that you will turn into a selfish monster when you start to make yourself a priority. I have never seen a natural giver stop giving when they started to take care of themselves. This applied to Rhonda as well.The more Rhonda put herself first, the more she came to see that people got along just fine without her help, and didn’t think any less of her when she said no. She noticed that almost no one gave her a hard time when she said no to a request.Remember: If you don’t keep yourself in good physical shape, you might not have the stamina to do everything you need to do and to help other people.If you’re not getting enough sleep, you may not be as alert as you need to be to get everything done.If you’re overworked, things might slip through the cracks in your personal life and reach a crisis point. If you’re doing things for others to the detriment of yourself, you might feel resentful, and this is certainly not the way you want to show up for everyone else. Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email bloening@snet.net.