Having a Blue Christmas? Some Sound Advice On Surviving Holidays

For those who feel they’ve heard "it’s the most wonderful time of the year" once too often in the last few weeks, you should know that you are not alone.

Many people feel less than jolly at this time of year, a sentiment that is only exacerbated by the feeling that everybody else is happy, happy, happy. Welcome to the "holiday blues."

"This is a time when people often get to a point where they’re stressed out, irritable, having difficulty with their appetite or trouble sleeping," noted Aneelia Salamacha, director of social work for the Senior Behavioral Center at Sharon Hospital.

Demands and expectations — creating the "fantasy family" you should have but never did, for instance — "sets yourself up for trouble," said Salamacha. She also said that more serious depression can center around seasonal affective disorder (SAD), a form of depression that is precipitated by changes in light, and clinical depression, which is when symptoms last for more than two weeks and include suicidal feelings.

Salamacha, who conducted a discussion of holiday depression at the Good Neighbor’s building in Sharon on Tuesday, said that rather than feeling guilty for not feeling jolly, we’re better off "giving ourselves permission to acknowledge our real feelings and move on."

That’s the message at North Canaan Congregational Church, which has offered a Blue Christmas service every year since pastor Barbara Schenk arrived six years ago. It has sometimes been offered on the 21st of December, the longest night of the year. This year it was held on Dec. 16.

"It’s just to acknowledge that many people in our world have a very tough time, especially now," said Schenk, who noted that people attend who don’t necessarily have problems themselves. Participants write a concern down on a blue star, and later each take a blue star away with them — someone else’s blue star. "So you hang it on your refrigerator and hold that person and their concern in your heart."

Rather than feel guilty that we’re not feeling jolly, or stressed because we’re anticipating family problems, or sad as we try to reclaim what we remember as happier times, Salamacha suggests that we lower our expectations and take as much control as we can of our situation.

"Start planning ahead of time," she suggested. "If need be, change your holiday routine. Go away, or establish new traditions. Avoid the people you have difficulties with."

Eating right, getting exercise and giving yourself quiet personal time all will help you cope with the stress. High fat, high sugar foods can contribute to depressed feelings; alcohol is a depressant. If you’re tired and rundown, you’re more prone to depression and tend to eat more sugar and carbohydrates and drink more alcohol—all of which will simply exacerbate negative feelings.

Experts agree that important as it is to know how to emotionally protect yourself at this time of year, it’s also important to know how to treat others who may be feeling fragile, especially the elderly.

"Our biggest problem is wanting to include them and bringing them to our chaos," said Gretchen Kennedy, a primary-care nurse with the Salisbury Visiting Nurse Association. We shouldn’t forget them in all our busyness, she said, but we shouldn’t expect too much of them, either.

"Many elderly people dread the holidays," said Kennedy. "The expectations are high for them to come and sit through dinner and present openings and all the rest and they’re exhausted." Exhaustion is a prime component of depression, as well as of falls and other physical accidents, said Kennedy.

When people acknowledge and share their concerns, it can be rehabilitative, said Schenk. "People leave the Blue Christmas service uplifted. It’s the message of Christmas — it’s all about light and love." Paraphrasing the author Madeleine L’Engle, she said, "God didn’t come into the world when things were perfect. We do the best with what we can."

So skip "the most wonderful time of the year" and go for "tidings of comfort and joy."

Tips For Those Feeling

Depressed

• Think about what causes you stress and plan around those situations or eliminate them.

• Don’t overschedule. Say "no" to what you can’t — or don’t want to — do.

• Acknowledge your feelings of sadness or loss. Share them with someone supportive.

• Schedule time for yourself, including quiet time.

• Acknowledge the positive aspects of your life.

• Alter your holiday schedule if need be, including where you go or whom you see. No "tradition" is a must-do.

• Take care of yourself. Avoid too many high-fat, salty and sugary foods. Keep alcohol to a minimum. Give yourself time to sleep. Get exercise — if only a daily walk.

• Watch your wallet. Overspending will make you feel worse, not better.

• Don’t be afraid to seek help, professional or otherwise. Local support groups abound.

Tips for Helping Depressed Friends or Family

• Contain your expectations of them.

• Don’t demand that they "join the fun."

• Short, quiet visits are better than long visits from "the whole gang."

• Listen without judging.

• Your time and support can be the most valuable gift of all.