Hi-yo, Silver! Away!

I have been enjoying my new Lone Ranger DVDs and am pleased to see that the Internet has recognized that the number-one sidekick of all time is Tonto, coming in ahead of Garth of “Wayne’s World.” In spite of being constantly beat up, defamed, forced to wear bad clothes and treated as a stereotype, Tonto performs his duties faithfully. Many of us have had similar work experiences.

The Lone Ranger does not shoot to kill, just wound. His bullets do not cause crippling, permanent injuries. There is a lot of whacking over the head with gun butts without concussion, too. Gunshot wounds are treated pretty casually. “It’s just a flesh wound” and “It only hit me in the shoulder” are catch phrases. The fact that most of these are basically lethal lead injections is sort of skimmed over.

The Ranger is constantly apologizing for his mask. “Don’t be alarmed,” he says, “this mask is on the side of the law.” OK. If you say so. Just keep talking while I load up this shotgun.

Although he is, technically, the Lone Ranger, he is not actually alone. Tonto is always around somewhere. Sometimes he dragoons his nephew into the act. Nephew Dan is the one whose horse, Victor, is named in the movie “A Christmas Story.” Dan just drops everything when his Uncle Lone shows up. Must be nice.

There is never a romantic entanglement. Lone seems to be too dedicated to the fight for truth, justice, and the American way to have time for that stuff. Of course you never see the women folk flirting with him either. He must give off a bad vibe or something. Maybe it’s the mask?

Lone uses silver bullets. He uses them as a calling card, displaying them when there is doubt about his identity. I am not sure exactly how this establishes his bonafides. We have to kind of take his word that the bullet is silver. Sure it’s shiny, but it’s not like there is a werewolf handy to demonstrate on.

The story is that he has a secret silver mine from which he, presumably, draws enough to keep him and Tonto in beans and bullets. It doesn’t seem to be enough for a change of clothes, though. They are roaming all over the Old West, looking for trouble, and they don’t seem to be carrying as much as an overnight bag.

At the end of each adventure, he slips away when nobody is looking and races off into the sunset with a “Hi -yo, Silver!” I think I might know how he makes those bullets.

Quick! Count the silverware!

Bill Abrams resides, rewinds and reviews episodes of the Lone Ranger, in Pine Plains.