Santa Talks: Journal Exclusive


CORNWALL — For a big guy, Santa Claus seems to be rather fleeting and elusive. We see him everywhere in December, and then he’s gone. So it was a real treat to find Santa sans children on his knee long enough to ask some burning questions, and to find him blatantly forthright with his answers.

He is hanging out at The Wish House in West Cornwall every weekend afternoon until Christmas. They let him play his violin there, and someone is always around to untangle his beard from the strings. The last proves that this amazing being is human, a fact he readily admitted during a revealing interview with The Journal.

Before getting into the nitty-gritty, a youngster asked a most obvious and innocent question. Eleanor Frost looked angelic in pigtails as she stood before Santa. But her tone was worried when she asked if he ever leaves coal in stockings.

"At one time, coal made a good gift," Santa replied diplomatically. "No, I don’t put coal in stockings anymore, but it wasn’t always a punishment. These days, right here in town, there is a special Santa fund that helps keep people warm by paying for heating oil."

In private, Santa divulged his age as "very old" and revealed that the original Rudolph has passed on.

"He was most famous in the 1800s, but his granddaughter is with us. The other reindeer don’t make fun of her like they did Rudolph."

As for his personal life, he and Mrs. Claus — Mathilda — never got around to starting a family of their own. They were kept pretty busy with the "lost tribe" of elves they "inherited," and getting kicked out of numerous countries, often on account of the antics of the elves.

"They can get themselves into a bit of trouble. They’re really dysfunctional most of the time," Santa said, falling into a Yiddish accent, as he often does. He speaks quite a few languages.

"We got kicked out of Denmark, Germany, Norway, Finland and Holland. It’s not easy to get kicked out of Holland. They’re so liberal."

So that explains the North Pole, which may also explain global warming. It seems Mathilda has reached a certain age and those hot flashes are coming on fast and furious. Meanwhile, the elves continue their antics at the Pole and the reindeer, though difficult at times, have successfully propagated their distinguished lineage.

"The reindeer can be testy, and there is no trouble the elves cannot get into. Fifty little people with tools can be fun. They are very skilled workers, and we couldn’t do it all without them, but they are nuts. They’ve also formed a union, so its been interesting."

The Clauses met about 350 years ago in Holland, when Mathilda’s Rubenesque figure made her a top Rembrandt model.

"I was something of a social crusader and we met through the social work we both did, which included wrapping gifts for the needy. She was a fun and jolly companion, and a great gift wrapper; very inventive. It drew us together."

Their wedding was performed by a Lutheran minister in Maastricht, who also ran an orphanage that included the forgotten elf tribe. They joined the Clauses’ small gift wrapping and distribution business, and the rest, as they say, is history.

The Clauses and clan have always had practical issues to address — mostly financial — but have always done well, having "proprietary trade secrets," with which to bargain. Those would include the levitation procedures coveted by NASA.

During the 1950s, when land values at the pole peaked and the squatting Clauses had long since become land owners, Strategic Air Command purchased large tracts. Various agreements with the U.S. and Russia have resulted in benefits for all. They include a means for recycling certain underwater craft. Let’s just say there have been long stretches when Santa’s sleigh has been nuclear-powered.

"In the past decades, we have really enjoyed the American and Russian ‘floating airbases.’ There was that one party with the Americans, Russians, Canadians and the elves during the Cold War. Well, maybe I’ll just leave it at saying the elves won."

The big technical question: How does he do it all in one night? Again, proprietary trades secrets are at work here, and he can only hint at Kabala; a development in Jerusalem some 2000 years ago; and Einstein and the space-time continuum.

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