Un-Sportsmanlike, To Say the Least

When did movie directors decide that overkill was part of the game? That thought was prompted by the march of "300" into theaters last week, war chants and all. At 110 minutes long, "300" is about as heavy as an elephant and twice as dumb.

In theory, "300" tells the story of Thermopylae, the battle in which 300 Spartan warriors are said to have died defending a Greek mountain pass against an army of Persians.

In truth, "300" is interested in other things, none of which are particularly historical.

The first is biceps; the second is blood.

Both are on loan from Frank Miller, who wrote the graphic novel on which the movie is based.

Indeed, there are biceps a’ plenty. The Spartans look as though they had wandered into Ancient Greece by way of "Pumping Iron." And the buffest of them all is King Leonidas (played by Gerard Butler), who cannot but help extol the virtues of the Spartan diet.

"Only the hard and strong may call himself Spartan," he says, in the first of a series of fitness spiels, "Only the hard. Only the strong."

Yes. And only the smoothest of skin. Not only are the Spartans the best soldiers of the 5th century BC; they are also the best looking. Unlike the Persians, who are mustached and do not appear to bathe, the Spartans shave their legs before battle. How else could they fit into their uniforms, which consist of a red cape and leather swim trunks?

Forgive me.

I mistook Leonidas to be the King of Sparta. In fact, he’s the King of Muscle Beach.

Of course, not all of Sparta is nearly as good looking. In town, the priests and politicians conspire to stop Leonidas from going to war. To do so, they have to drug the Oracle, who, in the strict aesthetic interests of the film, is played by a, err, topless teenage girl. Decider that he is, Leonidas ignores the intelligence, kisses the missus goodbye and marches off to battle. At this point, the cynic must note that Leonidas has neither the troops nor the allies to fight a long and costly war. Apparently, the Athenians are too busy playing with their isosceles triangles to join the fight.

Alas, Thermopylae is a bummer. There is something gross in director Robert Snyder’s vision. In one scene, a Spartan has his head cut off, only to keep moving, like a ham brought suddenly to life. In another, taken directly from Goya’s "Disasters of War" series, the Spartans find a tree festooned with corpses, thereby proving the justness of the Greek cause. One needn’t be a nag to feel repelled by Snyder’s opportunism, especially for a film as bad as "300." The battle, when it comes, is a turkey shoot. So successful are the Spartans that they are able to build a wall out of the Persian dead, which to me, at least, seems rather un-sportsmanlike. It doesn’t help to note that the actors playing the Persians are mostly black.

During the course of "300," we’re told that a Spartan is worth 10 Persians, because free men fight better than slaves. But I suspect that the Persian loss has something to do with the facial piercing of their 7-foot tall king, Xerxes (Rodrigo Santo), which must itch pretty badly. In any case, the Persian losses are not for a lack of effort; among their many secret weapons is one funny looking fellow with the eccentric feature of having two swords where his hands should be.

The battle turns when a two-timing Greek leads Xerxes behind the Spartan lines. Nearing death, Leonidas boasts that the Spartans have helped to usher in "an age of freedom." That’s good news. The other good news is that there can’t possibly be a sequel.

"300" is rated R for nudity and violence, not least of which is that violence done to the intellect. It is playing at the Cineroms in Torrington and Winsted, CT, and the Moviehouse in Millerton, NY.