Afraid of speaking truths?

A client of mine was afraid to speak to her husband about very basic issues that were coming up in their marriage.  

With four children their quality time together was limited and she felt as though their relationship was evaporating into a vacuum of kids, school, making meals and work.  

She felt that her husband did not appreciate all the work she was doing regarding the kids, school, and keeping the house operating. Because he was the major breadwinner he felt he was doing most of the “hard work†and was not pitching in with the kids and house stuff.

           The fears

I asked her what was preventing her from having a conversation with her husband about these issues.  

She said that every time she tried to talk to him about it, he became angry and defensive, and would disappear into the study.  Naturally, this reaction made approaching her husband very unappealing, because she feared the resulting drama and potential standoff.

       An experiment  

I had her close her eyes and imagine that her husband’s reaction was all right no matter what it was,  that she could speak her mind and it was OK if he got angry, or yelled and disappeared.  

At first this was hard for her to imagine, but she finally settled into the idea just as an experiment. Now that it was OK that her husband had this reaction, I asked her what her feelings were.

After some conversation and prodding on my part, she declared that she felt more confident about it, but she still dreaded her own feelings about his reaction, even if it was all “for the best.† 

She said she feared her feelings of being immensely uncomfortable and anxious, and most of all the possibility that he would not love her any more.

After more discussion, she recognized that the fear of her own feelings resulting from having her husband being mad at her were actually bigger that her fear of her husband’s reaction.

So it was really more about her than about him.

    Speaking our truth

I suggested to her that sometimes we need to speak our truth to someone close to us even if it means that they will get mad or shut down.  

I told her that if she felt strongly about something important, and she bottled it up inside, that it would be unhealthy for her and for the marriage. In any case, it would surface in some other way, eventually.    

That resurfacing, I told her, would appear disguised as something else, which could be a disagreement or a rift, and it would likely reappear until the core issue was addressed.

  Planning the message

Her next step was to prepare herself for a talk with her husband.  This meant planning out what her message was going to be, and delivering it in a loving way.  She chose to say a few things to compliment him and acknowledge everything he does well first, always a great strategy before delivering the key points.  

Then she mentally prepared herself for a negative reaction on her husband’s part and visualized being more at peace while he was upset and angry.  She realized it was better to have that conversation even if the results appeared negative in the short term.

She knew the reality was that he would eventually calm down and would at least know what her concerns were.

        The outcome

The result: There were a few unpleasant meltdowns, but after a few weeks he came back with an idea. He would make the kids’ school lunches every day.  

This was his way of acknowledging her concerns and taking a step to balance the scales better. The next conversation was easier, not because he suddenly wanted these talks, but because she was more clear about the importance of them, and less fearful of what it was going to stir up.

An affirmation: Speak truth in a loving way, and no matter what the reaction, it is healthier for everyone.

 Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships.

To make column suggestions, e-mail Loening at bloening@snet.net.