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Bad Ads, Bad Hair Until Spring And the Cry of 'Batter Up'


Watching the NFL playoffs means watching television for most of us, and that in turn means watching a lot of guff that has little or nothing to do with football.

At this point in the season, I reckon I have watched some 154 hours of pro football. That’s two games per Sunday for 17 weeks at an average of 3.5 hours per game, plus two Saturday contests, plus the eight playoff games thus far.

I cannot claim to have been riveted to the screen for every moment of these 154 hours. I find that watching pro football lends itself very well to other fine and useful activities, such as ironing, shining shoes, and reading dense works of history, such as "The Classical World" by Robin Lane Fox, who in addition to being a professor at Oxford writes a gardening column for the Financial Times— both useful activities, but hardly interchangeable.

Have you ever read "The Classical World"? The volume is before me now. Let us open it at random and see what is on offer:

"Two great goods came out of Sparta’s defeat. The Messenians, their Greek neighbors, could at last regroup themselves as a free Greek community, a status they had been denied for some three hundred and fifty years. Their days of serfdom, or helotage, were over and to emphasize it they built stupendous defensive walls, assets which Spartans had always detested."

Watching the NFL while reading Robin Lane Fox is also very good if you need to catch up on your sleep. Many’s the time this season, as parity reigns and I slog through "The Classical World," that I dozed off during a dull quarter or two, only to wake up to great shouting from the announcers as some lowly club like the Houston Texans decides to stick one to the New England Patriots and the rest of the Arcadian League.

The most disturbing aspect, to me, of the consumption of all this video is the images from advertising that are stuck in my brain. I, like the Messenians dealing with the Spartans, resent this.

There is only so much brain to go around, and it seems wasteful to have a corner filled with the bizarre, frozen visage of the Burger King, digitally superimposed into old game footage.

Or thinking, as Sam Waterston tells us how to get rich in the stock market, that some image consultant advised him to comb his hair with a piece of recently-buttered toast.

This past weekend’s games were all pretty fun to watch, but you have to feel sorry for any club that gives New England even the tiniest chance. Commit the most minor of goofs, and the Patriots are suddenly plowing through the defense like nobody told them the days of serfdom, or helotage, were over.

The Pats are the luckiest team in history. Fourth and six, with 6:20 to go in the fourth quarter, down by eight, quarterback Tom Brady is intercepted and that should about do it, right?

Oh, but the Charger who picked off the pass fumbles and New England recovers at the San Diego 30. First down. Of course.

A few plays later they get a touchdown, and then running back Kevin Faulk scoots in on the two-point conversion off a direct snap that fooled the bejeebers out of the camera operator, as well as San Diego.

I shouldn’t complain, because after the NFL playoffs and the Super Duper comes the long winter of sports, with the pro basketball and hockey leagues grinding away at their interminable schedule that determines the seeding for the interminable playoffs that follow.

It’s the worst time of the year by far. Not even the college basketball tournament can dispel my gloom as I wait for the magical words:

"Batter up!"

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