Cellular psychosis: Is a smartphone a requirement?

Part 2 of 2

I am currently taking an adult education class in Spanish and the teacher showed me a translation app you can download for free. I was somewhat embarrassed to admit that I did not have a smartphone. The teacher said, “Good for you,” but I wonder if she was serious. 

As already mentioned, I have twins — a boy and girl. I was not looking forward to their teenage years. I remember my parents being driven to wits end by the telephone constantly ringing from our friends’ phone calls. When my children became teenagers — nothing — no ringing phones. I feared my children had no friends. It seems the younger generation does not make phone calls. They text. 

A survey by the Pew Research Center found that smartphones were most frequently used for text messaging. Making actual telephone calls came in second. Apprehensions regarding distracted driving aside, texting is certainly a wonderful thing for mom and dad’s peace and quiet. 

The impact on the younger generation’s ability to communicate effectively remains a concern, however. I can report that at least my children seem to be able to communicate effectively, although I am not sure about the rest of their generation. A young lady recently came to our door to pick up her brother. She rang my door bell. I opened the door and she just stood there. 

Call me old-fashioned, but I think if you ring somebody’s doorbell or knock on their door, it is your obligation to sell hello, introduce yourself, and state your business. After a long uncomfortable silence, I finally just said, “Yesssss?” She eventually asked, “Is my brother here?” I asked if her brother was Gary and showed her the way. I guess I was supposed to know who she was and what she wanted. 

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My lack of smartphone sophistication does lead to some embarrassing moments. Before I retired, I attended a conference and a younger colleague asked if I had received his text. I took the flip phone out my pocket and turned it on to see if I received the text. He looked at my flip phone and asked, “What’s that?” He decided I was going “retro” and that was “cool.” 

When attending a Yankee game with my son, the mother of a family sitting behind us tapped me on my shoulder and asked if I would take a photograph of her family. I expected to be handed a camera, but was handed a smartphone. I looked at the thing for about 10 seconds, not having the foggiest idea of what to do, and then handed the phone to my son. 

I have a childhood friend who has a Ph.D. in physics. I have never taken a physics course in my life and probably could only be friends with someone who had a Ph.D. in physics because our relationship began in childhood. He looked at my flip phone one day and told me that I was the only person he knew who did not have a smartphone. 

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Although I take pride in getting through a career without being tethered to a smartphone, I guess I’m beginning to feel like a technological “dinosaur,” even though I have little need for a smartphone. 

It must be having some sort of psychological impact on me. The other night I dreamed I passed away. In my dream, I came to a large gate, guarded by someone named the “Gatekeeper.” I asked the Gatekeeper if this was heaven or hell. He said, “Neither,” and explained that it was the entrance to the hereafter and a decision of whether I would go to heaven or hell would be determined “down the line.” 

This was the place where we had to give up all our worldly possessions, our jewelry, money, etc. So I handed the Gatekeeper my wallet and my flip phone. The Gatekeeper looked at my flip phone and started to laugh. I woke up. My death was not my concern. The Gatekeeper laughing at my flip phone disturbed me. Being laughed at by the Gatekeeper can’t be a good thing. 

Steve Rosen recently retired and has been a part-time resident of the Taconic section of Salisbury for over 25 years.