Complaining's a habit that you can change

I have a client who is always complaining about the weather, and how it is affecting her vegetable garden.  “This rain is ruining my tomatoes,†she said after the June deluge.  

Yes, it is frustrating, having put a lot of work into those tomatoes, but what is the payback she is getting by complaining about it?  Personally, I have noticed that many of my plants thrived thanks to all the rain we had, as I am sure was the case for her as well.  The blueberries, blackberries and kale seem to be in great shape because of all the rain.  

In this article I want to address complaining about things that we do not have much control over.

Why do certain people always complain? The truth is that there are many people who are in a habitual pattern of seeing negativity in everything. Subconsciously, it is satisfying on some level to see it that way, and then point it out to others; and they are so used to doing it that it is automatic for them. It feels more natural and rewarding for them to zero in on what is wrong.

The concept of pointing out the positive aspects of life is not satisfying, feels like too much work, and doesn’t feel genuine.

Let’s go a little deeper.

                  The need for drama

Part of the reason people tend to do this is to satisfy the human mind’s need for drama and excitement.

We are addicted to drama, and many times the negative side of things is seen as much more dramatic and exciting than the positive viewpoint. When you turn on the 10 o’clock news, what do you get? Shocking crimes, disasters, a huge health scare. What are the headlines of the New York Post and Daily News? Most of the time you can count on them being  sensational and probably negative. Why? It satiates our restless minds’ need for excitement.  It keeps us juiced.

               Misery loves company

Most people don’t like to be all alone in any endeavor or way of thinking.  Subconsciously, people who always see the negative side of life are uncomfortable in this state if nobody agrees with them.  The saying “misery loves company†holds a lot of truth, because people would rather pull others down to their state in order to create agreement. Plus, it justifies more complaining in the future when you can get the stamp of approval on that way of seeing things.

                            Inaction

As I discussed in my last article, Aug. 27, this approach to life is a great excuse for inaction or laziness.

Complaining is a way of sitting on the sidelines, while at the same time creating the illusion that you are participating in some way.  

Observations and comments are being made, but complainers are generally not doers because the two approaches are completely different ways of dealing with the perceived problem.

                         Importance

Some people get the feeling of being important and achieve a greater sense of self-esteem when they can pick out the negative and get others to see it as well.  After all, it is a special talent, and it gives them the feeling of having identified something special. Then, allowing others to share in that knowledge puts them in a superior position for just that moment.

               A habit, an addiction

How do you change a habit like this?  First, realize that it is a habit, or an addiction, and then you are in the position to do something about it.  

I had one client who could have been an anchor for the nightly news.  He always talked about the negative state of the economy, world relations and the environment.  He knew that this talk was not a positive influence on other people but he was so used to it he could not stop.  

But he wanted to make a change.  

So we did an experiment in which he had to come to each session prepared to talk about three positive things that were going on in the world.  

At first this was very uncomfortable for him, and it felt phony.  But, as weeks passed, he eventually saw that finding positive things in the world was not such a bad exercise, and he started to experience some benefits.  

On a core level he started to see that there are a lot a positive things going on in the world, and it was much less heavy emotionally for him to focus on these things instead of what he was used to.

 With each exercise, it started to feel a little more real for him. He was able to create a newer, healthier habit by testing a different approach over and over and over.  

It takes a little time to change a bad habit, and complaining is simply a bad habit.  

Try an experiment. Every day for the next week, look for and share three positive things with someone else.  

A daily affirmation that might be a big help:  “I look for one positive thing every day and share that with somebody else.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon. E-mail Brooke at bloening@snet.net to get more information and free coaching tips.  For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com.  Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.

Latest News

Living art takes center stage in the Berkshires

Contemporary chamber musicians, HUB, performing at The Clark.

D.H. Callahan

Northwestern Massachusetts may sometimes feel remote, but last weekend it felt like the center of the contemporary art world.

Within 15 miles of each other, MASS MoCA in North Adams and the Clark Art Institute in Williamstown showcased not only their renowned historic collections, but an impressive range of living artists pushing boundaries in technology, identity and sound.

Keep ReadingShow less
Persistently amplifying women’s voices

Francesca Donner, founder and editor of The Persistent. Subscribe at thepersistent.com.

Aly Morrissey

Francesca Donner pours a cup of tea in the cozy library of Troutbeck’s Manor House in Amenia, likely a habit she picked up during her formative years in the United Kingdom. Flanked by old books and a roaring fire, Donner feels at home in the quiet room, where she spends much of her time working as founder, editor and CEO of The Persistent, a journalism platform created to amplify women’s voices.

Although her parents are American and she spent her earliest years in New York City and Litchfield County — even attending Washington Montessori School as a preschooler — Donner moved to England at around five years old and completed most of her education there. Her accent still bears the imprint of what she describes as a traditional English schooling.

Keep ReadingShow less
Jarrett Porter on the enduring power of Schubert’s ‘Winterreise’
Baritone Jarrett Porter to perform Schubert’s “Winterreise”
Tim Gersten

On March 7, Berkshire Opera Festival will bring “Winterreise” to Studio E at Tanglewood’s Linde Center for Music and Learning, with baritone Jarrett Porter and BOF Artistic Director and pianist Brian Garman performing Franz Schubert’s haunting 24-song setting of poems by Wilhelm Müller.

A rejected lover. A frozen landscape. A mind unraveling in real time. Nearly 200 years after its premiere, “Winterreise” remains unnervingly current in its psychological portrait of isolation, heartbreak and existential drift.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

A grand finale for Crescendo’s 22nd season

Christine Gevert, artistic director, brings together international and local musicians for a season of rare works.

Stephen Potter

Crescendo, the Lakeville-based nonprofit specializing in early and rarely performed classical music, will close its 22nd season with a slate of spring concerts featuring international performers, local musicians and works by pioneering composers from the Baroque era to the 20th century.

Christine Gevert, the organization’s artistic director, has gathered international vocal and instrumental talent, blending it with local voices to provide Berkshire audiences with rare musical treats.

Keep ReadingShow less

Leopold Week honors land and legacy

Leopold Week honors land and legacy

Aldo Leopold in 1942, seated at his desk examining a gray partridge specimen.

Robert C. Oetking

In his 1949 seminal work, “A Sand County Almanac,” Aldo Leopold, regarded by many conservationists as the father of wildlife ecology and modern conservation, wrote, “There are some who can live without wild things and some who cannot.” Leopold was a forester, philosopher, conservationist, educator, writer and outdoor enthusiast.

Originally published by Oxford University Press, “A Sand County Almanac” has sold 2 million copies and been translated into 15 languages. On Sunday, March 8, from 3 to 5 p.m. in the Great Hall of the Norfolk Library, the public is invited to a community reading of selections from the book followed by a moderated discussion with Steve Dunsky, director of “Green Fire,” an Emmy Award-winning documentary film exploring the origins of Leopold’s “land ethic.” Similar reading events take place each year across the country during “Leopold Week” in early March. Planning for this Litchfield County reading began when the Norfolk Library received a grant from the Aldo Leopold Foundation, which provided copies of “A Sand County Almanac” to distribute during the event.

Keep ReadingShow less

Erica Child Prud’homme

Erica Child Prud’homme

WEST CORNWALL — Erica Child Prud’homme died peacefully in her sleep on Jan. 9, 2026, at home in West Cornwall, Connecticut, at 93.

Erica was born on April 27, 1932, in Doylestown, Pennsylvania, the eldest of three children of Charles and Fredericka Child. With her siblings Rachel and Jonathan, Erica was raised in Lumberville, a town in the creative enclave of Bucks County where she began to sketch and paint as a child.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.