Thank you!
Your support is sustaining the future of local news in our communities.

Complaining's a habit that you can change

I have a client who is always complaining about the weather, and how it is affecting her vegetable garden.  “This rain is ruining my tomatoes,†she said after the June deluge.  

Yes, it is frustrating, having put a lot of work into those tomatoes, but what is the payback she is getting by complaining about it?  Personally, I have noticed that many of my plants thrived thanks to all the rain we had, as I am sure was the case for her as well.  The blueberries, blackberries and kale seem to be in great shape because of all the rain.  

In this article I want to address complaining about things that we do not have much control over.

Why do certain people always complain? The truth is that there are many people who are in a habitual pattern of seeing negativity in everything. Subconsciously, it is satisfying on some level to see it that way, and then point it out to others; and they are so used to doing it that it is automatic for them. It feels more natural and rewarding for them to zero in on what is wrong.

The concept of pointing out the positive aspects of life is not satisfying, feels like too much work, and doesn’t feel genuine.

Let’s go a little deeper.

                  The need for drama

Part of the reason people tend to do this is to satisfy the human mind’s need for drama and excitement.

We are addicted to drama, and many times the negative side of things is seen as much more dramatic and exciting than the positive viewpoint. When you turn on the 10 o’clock news, what do you get? Shocking crimes, disasters, a huge health scare. What are the headlines of the New York Post and Daily News? Most of the time you can count on them being  sensational and probably negative. Why? It satiates our restless minds’ need for excitement.  It keeps us juiced.

               Misery loves company

Most people don’t like to be all alone in any endeavor or way of thinking.  Subconsciously, people who always see the negative side of life are uncomfortable in this state if nobody agrees with them.  The saying “misery loves company†holds a lot of truth, because people would rather pull others down to their state in order to create agreement. Plus, it justifies more complaining in the future when you can get the stamp of approval on that way of seeing things.

                            Inaction

As I discussed in my last article, Aug. 27, this approach to life is a great excuse for inaction or laziness.

Complaining is a way of sitting on the sidelines, while at the same time creating the illusion that you are participating in some way.  

Observations and comments are being made, but complainers are generally not doers because the two approaches are completely different ways of dealing with the perceived problem.

                         Importance

Some people get the feeling of being important and achieve a greater sense of self-esteem when they can pick out the negative and get others to see it as well.  After all, it is a special talent, and it gives them the feeling of having identified something special. Then, allowing others to share in that knowledge puts them in a superior position for just that moment.

               A habit, an addiction

How do you change a habit like this?  First, realize that it is a habit, or an addiction, and then you are in the position to do something about it.  

I had one client who could have been an anchor for the nightly news.  He always talked about the negative state of the economy, world relations and the environment.  He knew that this talk was not a positive influence on other people but he was so used to it he could not stop.  

But he wanted to make a change.  

So we did an experiment in which he had to come to each session prepared to talk about three positive things that were going on in the world.  

At first this was very uncomfortable for him, and it felt phony.  But, as weeks passed, he eventually saw that finding positive things in the world was not such a bad exercise, and he started to experience some benefits.  

On a core level he started to see that there are a lot a positive things going on in the world, and it was much less heavy emotionally for him to focus on these things instead of what he was used to.

 With each exercise, it started to feel a little more real for him. He was able to create a newer, healthier habit by testing a different approach over and over and over.  

It takes a little time to change a bad habit, and complaining is simply a bad habit.  

Try an experiment. Every day for the next week, look for and share three positive things with someone else.  

A daily affirmation that might be a big help:  “I look for one positive thing every day and share that with somebody else.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon. E-mail Brooke at bloening@snet.net to get more information and free coaching tips.  For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com.  Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.

Latest News

Tenmile Distillery is making history the old-fashioned way

Cheers! The Revolutionary Whisky Series at Ten Mile Distillery, each named for a significant battle of the American Revolution, celebrates America at 250.

D.H. Callahan

In December 2024, the U.S. Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau officially established the Standard of Identity for American Single Malt Whisky. It was the first new classification in more than half a century, creating new possibilities for American distillers. One of the distilleries taking advantage of this new landscape is Wassaic’s Tenmile Distillery. It is well positioned to make history because Tenmile has always honored traditional whiskey-making practices.

Single malts are often associated with Scotch whisky. Perhaps that’s why, years before the new standard was adopted, Tenmile hired Shane Fraser, a Scottish master distiller with 30 years of experience at some of Scotland’s most prestigious distilleries. Fraser began designing the distillery from the ground up. Alongside owner and general manager Joel LeVangia, he emphasized time-honored traditions, favoring hands-on craftsmanship over the increasingly automated methods used by larger producers. When it comes to making the best whisky possible, Tenmile believes in learning from the past. That philosophy extends beyond the distilling process.

Keep ReadingShow less

The magic of Belinda Sinclair

The magic of Belinda Sinclair

Belinda Sinclair

Dean Chamberlain
Sinclair’s show explores the ways women have been practicing forms of magic for centuries, and there is plenty of history to tell.

Belinda Sinclair is the kind of magician who impresses people who don’t like magic. Her tricks are mind-boggling. Her stories are captivating. And if she picks you to write your name on a card, get ready to be wowed. Repeat attendees of her shows, of which there are many, take almost as much delight in watching new jaws drop as they do in seeing an illusion reach its astonishing conclusion.

Since the summer of 2025, Sinclair has been baffling local audiences at the Hughes Memorial Library in West Cornwall, but her magical run comes to a close at the end of August.

Keep ReadingShow less

“Nixon in China” comes to Tanglewood

“Nixon in China” comes to Tanglewood

Renée Fleming, Andris Nelsons and Thomas Hampson.

Hilary Scott

On Friday, July 17 at 8 p.m. in the Koussevitzky Music Shed at Tanglewood, two of the greatest American voices of their generation, soprano Renée Fleming and baritone Thomas Hampson, join Music Director Andris Nelsons and the Boston Symphony Orchestra in a performance of excerpts from John Adams’ groundbreaking opera “Nixon in China.” The piece, performed earlier this year in Boston and at Carnegie Hall in New York City, is a highlight of a program that also includes “Meditations on Grace” (2024) by BSO Composer Chair Carlos Simon, and the melodic and technically demanding Violin Concerto by Samuel Barber.

Fleming is internationally celebrated for her vocal and dramatic artistry, as well as for her advocacy for the powerful impact of the creative arts in health. Hampson has long been recognized as one of the most innovative musicians of our time and has received countless international honors for his singular artistry and cultural leadership. Both performed in “Nixon in China” earlier this year at the Paris Opera under the baton of Kent Nagano.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Local playwright revisits Revolutionary moment in “Rebel Town”

The cast and crew of “Rebeltown: The Musical.”

Jack Sheedy

John Alan Segalla was working in Boston a few years ago, giving historic tours at the site of the Boston Tea Party. Now, as America celebrates 250 years as a nation, the Canaan native is about to debut a new version of his original musical, “Rebel Town,” inspired largely by the Boston Tea Party, the protest that helped launch the American Revolution.

“It wasn’t until I got to Boston and learned the Tea Party story that I fell in love with this moment in history, and I saw the story as wildly compelling and very important, and really a story that was very misunderstood, mistaught in schools,” Segalla said at a recent rehearsal in Stockbridge, Massachusetts, ahead of the show’s July 10 opening.

Keep ReadingShow less
An invitation to paint a community mural in Torrington

Community mural design by Macayla Muzzulin will be painted by volunteers on July 11 in Franklin Plaza in Torrington.

Provided

From 10 a.m. to 4 p.m. on Saturday, July 11, Five Points Arts in Torrington will host a community mural project celebrating the nation’s 250th anniversary. Volunteers of every age and artistic ability are invited to help paint a 20-by-6-foot mural designed by artist Macayla Muzzulin. The mural will be completed in one day, transformed from a numbered outline into a permanent public artwork along the river in downtown Torrington.

“We firmly believe art is for everyone,” said Five Points founder and executive director, Judith McElhone. “It’s so great to be able to do this with such talent, and with Launchpad artists, volunteers and staff there to help.”

Keep ReadingShow less
Free sinonó concert launches Wassaic Project’s music season

Gridley Chapel at The Wassaic Project.

Lucia Iandolo

The Wassaic Project will host its first musical act of the season at the Gridley Chapel on Saturday, July 11. The event is free and was made possible with funding from a grant from the New York State Council on the Arts.

Officially opening in October, the Chapel will come alive with the sounds of sinonó, a trio featuring vocalist and composer isabel crespo pardo, cellist Lester St. Louis and bassist Henry Fraser. The group draws on Latin American folk and classical chamber music to create what it calls “poemsongs.”

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.