Complaining's a habit that you can change

I have a client who is always complaining about the weather, and how it is affecting her vegetable garden.  “This rain is ruining my tomatoes,†she said after the June deluge.  

Yes, it is frustrating, having put a lot of work into those tomatoes, but what is the payback she is getting by complaining about it?  Personally, I have noticed that many of my plants thrived thanks to all the rain we had, as I am sure was the case for her as well.  The blueberries, blackberries and kale seem to be in great shape because of all the rain.  

In this article I want to address complaining about things that we do not have much control over.

Why do certain people always complain? The truth is that there are many people who are in a habitual pattern of seeing negativity in everything. Subconsciously, it is satisfying on some level to see it that way, and then point it out to others; and they are so used to doing it that it is automatic for them. It feels more natural and rewarding for them to zero in on what is wrong.

The concept of pointing out the positive aspects of life is not satisfying, feels like too much work, and doesn’t feel genuine.

Let’s go a little deeper.

                  The need for drama

Part of the reason people tend to do this is to satisfy the human mind’s need for drama and excitement.

We are addicted to drama, and many times the negative side of things is seen as much more dramatic and exciting than the positive viewpoint. When you turn on the 10 o’clock news, what do you get? Shocking crimes, disasters, a huge health scare. What are the headlines of the New York Post and Daily News? Most of the time you can count on them being  sensational and probably negative. Why? It satiates our restless minds’ need for excitement.  It keeps us juiced.

               Misery loves company

Most people don’t like to be all alone in any endeavor or way of thinking.  Subconsciously, people who always see the negative side of life are uncomfortable in this state if nobody agrees with them.  The saying “misery loves company†holds a lot of truth, because people would rather pull others down to their state in order to create agreement. Plus, it justifies more complaining in the future when you can get the stamp of approval on that way of seeing things.

                            Inaction

As I discussed in my last article, Aug. 27, this approach to life is a great excuse for inaction or laziness.

Complaining is a way of sitting on the sidelines, while at the same time creating the illusion that you are participating in some way.  

Observations and comments are being made, but complainers are generally not doers because the two approaches are completely different ways of dealing with the perceived problem.

                         Importance

Some people get the feeling of being important and achieve a greater sense of self-esteem when they can pick out the negative and get others to see it as well.  After all, it is a special talent, and it gives them the feeling of having identified something special. Then, allowing others to share in that knowledge puts them in a superior position for just that moment.

               A habit, an addiction

How do you change a habit like this?  First, realize that it is a habit, or an addiction, and then you are in the position to do something about it.  

I had one client who could have been an anchor for the nightly news.  He always talked about the negative state of the economy, world relations and the environment.  He knew that this talk was not a positive influence on other people but he was so used to it he could not stop.  

But he wanted to make a change.  

So we did an experiment in which he had to come to each session prepared to talk about three positive things that were going on in the world.  

At first this was very uncomfortable for him, and it felt phony.  But, as weeks passed, he eventually saw that finding positive things in the world was not such a bad exercise, and he started to experience some benefits.  

On a core level he started to see that there are a lot a positive things going on in the world, and it was much less heavy emotionally for him to focus on these things instead of what he was used to.

 With each exercise, it started to feel a little more real for him. He was able to create a newer, healthier habit by testing a different approach over and over and over.  

It takes a little time to change a bad habit, and complaining is simply a bad habit.  

Try an experiment. Every day for the next week, look for and share three positive things with someone else.  

A daily affirmation that might be a big help:  “I look for one positive thing every day and share that with somebody else.â€

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon. E-mail Brooke at bloening@snet.net to get more information and free coaching tips.  For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com.  Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.

Latest News

A new life for Barrington Hall

A new life for Barrington Hall

Dan Baker, left, and Daniel Latzman at Barrington Hall in Great Barrington.

Provided

Barrington Hall in Great Barrington has hosted generations of weddings, proms and community gatherings. When Dan Baker and Daniel Latzman took over the venue last summer, they stepped into that history with a plan not just to preserve it, but to reshape how the space serves the community today.

Barrington Hall is designed for gathering, for shared experience, for the simple act of being together. At a time when connection is often filtered through screens and distraction, their vision is grounded in something simple and increasingly rare: real human connection.

Keep ReadingShow less

Gail Rothschild’s threads of time

Gail Rothschild’s threads of time

Gail Rothschild with her painting “Dead Sea Linen III (73 x 58 inches, 2024, acrylic on canvas.

Natalia Zukerman

There is a moment, looking at a painting by Gail Rothschild, when you realize you are not looking at a painting so much as a map of time. Threads become brushstrokes; fragments become fields of color; something once held in the hand becomes something you stand in front of, both still and in a constant process of changing.

“Textiles connect people,” Rothschild said. “Textiles are something that we’re all intimately involved with, but we take it for granted.”

Keep ReadingShow less

Sherman Players celebrate a century of community theater

Sherman Players celebrate a century of community theater

Cast of “Laughter on the 23rd Floor” from left to right. Tara Vega, Steve Zerilli, Bob Cady (Standing) Seated at the table: Andrew Blanchard, Jon Barker, Colin McLoone, Chris Bird, Rebecca Annalise, Adam Battlestein

Provided

For a century, the Sherman Players have turned a former 19th-century church into a stage where neighbors become castmates, volunteers power productions and community is the main attraction. The company marks its 100th season with a lineup that blends classic works, new writing and homegrown talent.

New England has a long history of community theater and its role in strengthening civic life. The Sherman Players remain a vital example, mounting intimate, noncommercial productions that draw on local participation and speak to the current cultural moment.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Reimagining opera for a new generation

Reimagining opera for a new generation

Stage director Geoffrey Larson signs autographs for some of the kids after a family performance.

Provided

For those curious about opera but unsure where to begin, the Mahaiwe Theater in Great Barrington will offer an accessible entry point with “Once Upon an Opera,” a free, family-friendly program on Sunday, April 12, at 2 p.m. The event is designed for opera newcomers and aficionados alike and will include selections from some of opera’s most beloved works.

Luca Antonucci, artistic coordinator, assistant conductor and chorus master for the Berkshire Opera Festival, said the idea first materialized three years ago.

Keep ReadingShow less
BSO charts future amid leadership transition and financial strain

Aerial view of The Shed at Tanglewood in Lenox, Massachusetts.

Provided

The Boston Symphony Orchestra is outlining its path forward following the announcement that music director Andris Nelsons will step down after the 2027 Tanglewood season, closing a 13-year tenure.

In a letter to supporters, the BSO’s Board of Trustees acknowledged that the news has been difficult for many in its community, while emphasizing gratitude for Nelsons’ leadership and plans to celebrate his final season.

Keep ReadingShow less
A tradition of lamb for Easter and Passover

Roasted lamb

Provided

Preparing lamb for the observance of Easter is a long-standing tradition in many cultures, symbolizing new life and purity. For Christians, Easter marks the end of Lenten fasting, allowing for a celebratory feast. A popular choice is roast lamb, often prepared with rosemary, garlic or lemon. It is traditional to serve mint sauce or mint jelly at the table.

The Hebrew Bible suggests that the last plague God inflicted on the Egyptians, to secure the Israelites’ release from slavery, was to kill the firstborn son in every Egyptian home. To differentiate the Israelites from the Egyptians, God instructed them to mark their doorposts with the blood of a lamb. Today, Jews, Christians and Muslims generally believe that God would have known who was Israelite and who was Egyptian without such a sign, but views of God’s omnipotence in the Abrahamic faiths have evolved over the millennia.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.