Thank you!
Your support is sustaining the future of local news in our communities.

Don’t be afraid to spend the money

Derek was very careful about how he spent his money. His strategy was to spend as little as possible. Many times when he went to someone’s house for dinner he would not bring anything because he felt too much anxiety about buying a bottle of wine or cake for dessert. “I just couldn’t do it, and I thought no one cared or even noticed.”

At least that was until a friend confronted him. “You’re over here all the time for dinner, and you like to drink the wine. Can you start bringing some?”

This comment threw him into a panic. It appeared he was not getting away with it after all. Derek was so jarred he had to take a break from these dinners and collect himself. His embarrassment deepened when he learned that he’d been excluded from a separate dinner party because of it.

This is when he asked me for some advice. His tightfistedness was getting in the way of his life.

Faulty thinking

I asked Derek about his financial situation so we could figure out if his money concerns were real. He said he had enough money in the bank so that he did not actually have to worry about buying wine or occasional indulgences. His resistance to spending money appeared to be all in his head.

We needed to identify the money beliefs that were holding him back — because in order to let go of old beliefs, you have to know what they are. “Derek, what are your thoughts when the idea of buying wine, a dessert or even flowers comes up?” I asked.

After some thought, he replied:

“Wine is an extravagance. If others buy it, it’s their choice.

“If I spend money now, I may not have it when I need it later.”

When I asked him where those beliefs came from, he admitted he had inherited them from his parents. He had been carrying them around his whole life. But when he really thought about them, he realized they weren’t true at all.

New beliefs

In order to replace the outdated beliefs with ones that would work for him better, we came up with something more current and true:

“I have plenty of money, and I look forward to sharing some of it with my friends.

“As I spend money, it comes back to me in other ways.”

Derek liked how these sounded when he said them aloud, and I encouraged him to repeat them daily until there wasn’t a trace of his old thinking left.

In the meantime, Derek needed some actual practice spending money in ways he used to resist. I explained the gift bag trick. He was to take a specific sum of money — we agreed that $500 worked well for his budget — in $5 and $10 bills out of his bank account and put it in an envelope. This money was to be used for small purchases like a house gift, treating a friend to lunch, or buying coffee for coworkers. The goal was that he had to spend all of it in a year.

The practice worked perfectly because it gave him license to buy things that before, all his old beliefs told him were not OK. “It’s amazing, it was all in my head,” he later reported. “I felt a sense of joy when I went into the envelope and then showed up with a bottle of wine at dinner. Now I feel much more at ease about being generous with the people I care about.”

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email him at bloening@snet.net.

Latest News

Motorcycle crash near Route 7 prompts Life Star landing at HVRHS

Motorcycle crash near Route 7 prompts Life Star landing at HVRHS

A Life Star helicopter lands on the front lawn of Housatonic Valley Regional High School on Saturday, May 16, to transport a motorcycle crash victim to a hospital.

Aly Morrissey

LIME ROCK — A motorcycle crash involving a car temporarily shut down a section of Route 112 near the intersection with Route 7 on Saturday afternoon, drawing a large emergency response and prompting a Life Star helicopter landing at Housatonic Valley Regional High School.

Emergency responders at the scene confirmed the incident involved a motorcycle and passenger vehicle. Route 7 was closed from Dugway Road to the intersection of Routes 7 and 112 while crews responded.

Keep ReadingShow less
Van strikes utility pole, closes Route 112 for hours

Traffic was diverted near Wells Hill Road after a crash closed part of Route 112 Friday afternoon.

By James H. Clark

A van crashed into a utility pole on Route 112 near Wells Hill Road Friday afternoon, leaving the driver hospitalized in serious condition and forcing the highway to close for several hours.

The crash was reported at approximately 3:20 p.m., according to Connecticut State Police Troop B.

Keep ReadingShow less
Voices from our Salisbury community about the housing we need for a healthy, economically vibrant future

Renee Wilcox

If you’ve ever wandered through Paley’s Farm Market, you probably know Renee Wilcox. For thirty years, she has been greeting you with unmistakable warmth—always ready with a smile. Renee grew up in Millerton, but it was in Salisbury that her family found something they’d never had before: a true sense of home. In 2003, she and her husband Bill were living in Millerton, but Bill—a volunteer with the Lakeville Hose Company—was already part of Salisbury life. When the Salisbury Housing Trust finished eight new homes on East Main Street (Dunham Drive), Renee and Bill were the first to sign on.

The story of those houses is really a story about the best parts of our community. Richard Dunham and his wife, Inge, along with the Housing Trust board, poured years of energy and hope into the project. Renee can’t help but light up when she talks about the people who helped her family settle in. Digby Brown came by to install appliances and bathroom cabinets; Barbara Niles spent hours painting; Carl Williams assembled bunk beds for the kids. Rick Cantele, at Salisbury Bank, helped them with their finances so they could qualify for a mortgage, while neighbors arrived at their door with fruit baskets and welcoming words.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Trade Secrets: a glamorous garden event with a deeper mission

Heavy stone garden ornaments, a specialty of Judy Milne Antiques from Kingston, at Trade Secrets 2025.

Christine Bates

Tucked away on Porter Street in downtown Lakeville, Project SAGE is an unassuming building from a street view. But cross the threshold a week before Trade Secrets — one of the region’s biggest gardening events, long associated with Martha Stewart and glamorous plants of all varieties — and you’ll find a bustling world of employees and volunteers getting ready for the organization’s most important event of the year.

“It’s not usually like this,’ laughed Project SAGE director Kristen van Ginhoven. “But with Trade Secrets just around the corner, it’s definitely like this.”

Keep ReadingShow less
Two artists, two Hartford stages, one shared life

Caroline Kinsolving and Gary Capozzielo at home in Salisbury with their dogs, Petruchio and Beatrice

Provided
"He played his violin, I worked on my lines, we walked the dog, and suddenly we were circling each other perfectly."
Caroline Kinsolving

Actor Caroline Kinsolving and violinist Gary Capozziello enjoy their quiet life with their two dogs in Salisbury, yet are often pulled apart to perform on distant stages in far-flung cities. Currently, the planets have aligned, and both are working in Hartford, across Bushnell Park from one another. Bridgewater native Kinsolving is starring in “Circus Fire,” the current production of TheaterWorks Hartford, while Capozziello is a violinist and assistant concertmaster of the Hartford Symphony Orchestra. While Kinsolving hates being away from home, she feels the distance nourishes their relationship.

“We are guardians of each other’s confidence and self-esteem,” she said.

Keep ReadingShow less
Local filmmaker turns spotlight back on Hollywood’s Mermaid

Esther Williams in “Million Dollar Mermaid” (1952).

Provided

For decades, Esther Williams was one of Hollywood’s brightest stars, but the swimming sensation of the silver screen has largely faded from public memory — a disappearance that intrigued Millerton filmmaker Brian Gersten and inspired him to revisit her legacy.

As a millennial, Gersten grew up largely unaware of Williams’ influential career. His teen years in Chicago were spent with friends who obsessed over movies, spending hours at their local independent video store,and watching anything that caught their eye. Somehow, though, they never ventured into the glossy world of synchronized-swimming musicals of the 1940s and ‘50s.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.