The Things I pay for and don’t get

I pay for Caller ID; I do not receive it.

I call Comcast, which I loathe. They assure me it will be fixed in 48 hours. Two years have gone by, countless calls to the loathsome ones. Nothing. I don’t blame the workers. Who are they working for? Who then do I blame for the non-service?

Correction.  AOL is even more odious.

Number Two. I pay 4$ and change to the N.Y. Times for my online subscription, taken directly out of my bank account. YET, whenever I try to access an article, it comes up You Have to Subscribe. So I call. You see where this is going. The person says, of course, you have a subscription and you can access anything anytime. Not.

Number Three. I have a Kindle and had a subscription to The Nation, because I am in love with Katrina vanden Heuvel, who doesn’t know I exist. (Perhaps it’s because I cannot spell her name and she thinks my forlorn letters are really for someone else.). [Sorry, I fixed the spelling. — Editor] Back to Kindle, which used to charge me every month for two years, but stopped sending the mag after 6 months! But of course, kept charging me.

Number Four. The Guardian, which recently changed its look, now being glossy, eschewing paper. I eschew it.

Cannot resist the Latin: Quis custodiet ipsos custodes, Who Will Guard the Guardians, as they descend from papyrus to sheen.

So where do I go from here?

Alex Jones would take my money, looks like he needs it. (Kidding.)

Does Mucker Carlson have a podcast, newsletter? ( I really am kidding now.)

Roger Stone? Speaking of Guardians, protected by the Oathkeepers?

Whatshisname, a grad of Yale Law School?  A friend has remarked that the Law School has produced Bill and Hill, Brett Kavanaugh and now this jamoke

When I was at Drama School, Nixon Nominated G. Harold Carswell and Clement Haynesworth to the Supreme Court.  I am not recalling which one, or perhaps both belonged to country clubs that excluded Blacks.  The Law School had the best television so that’s where I went.  Should I have said Howdy to Bill and Hill?

Now we have Joe promising to nom a Black Woman and the Muckers of the world are tearing out their Yuppie-coiffed hair.

What are they going to do?  Say she is not qualified?  Say she straightens her hair, so she is not really Black?

Well, they will come up with some nonsense.  Sure as Bill O’Reilly is a sexual predator.  Have you noticed that he’s back?  Giving stock tips?

But let us look at a company that actually works.

A shoutout for The Unemployed Philosophers’ Guild. I am looking at my Shakespeare watch right now. It revolves with a quote from “Twelfth Night”. Viola: O, Time, thou must untangle this, not I/ It is too hard a knot for me t’untie.

Not the biggest fan of Will’s comedies, but Viola, what a dream.

Thirty-eight smackers and you can imagine you are listening to her, the, yes, named Viola Tree, the eldest daughter of Maude and Sir Beerbohm Tree.

Eat your heart out, Rolex, (too common, I’ve got a drawerful, right next to my Timexes) Patek Phillippe (I think that IS the ticket), Blancpain (great as well).

When my watch did not work, I am on my third over the years, the UPhG sent me a new one, with two new bands! I had in fact talked to a person of competence and politesse. What? Impossible! Mon Dieu!

Is that a way to run a business, with intelligence and respect? Alas, probably not. I have a feeling that the UPhG is hanging on by a thread.

Check them out. They are sane. And despite that, their catalogue is INsane.

Lonnie Carter is a writer who lives in Falls Village. Email him at lonniety@comcast.net., or go to his website at www.lonniecarter.com.