Let it go or work it out

Tim was getting more and more annoyed at Jill, his friend who had just finished recording a CD of her music. Jill insisted on playing the CD at a group dinner and then wanted to talk about it.

Because Jill was a good friend, Tim wanted to show his support, but he felt she was being pushy. She not only wanted everyone to take her CD as seriously as she did but praise her for her work. After the dinner he got feedback from a few others who agreed that her behavior “was rather self-absorbed,” and yet they didn’t seem quite as perturbed as he was.

He wanted to tell Jill how he felt, but taking a cue from his friends, he decided to let it go. Then he received an email from Jill. While she did thank him for supporting her when she played her CD for the group, she included a little dig about Tim’s wife — “It’s too bad she took the CD out of the player and changed the conversation. It would have been nice to talk and contemplate.”

Now this felt like Jill had gone too far and he asked me for some guidance.

He wanted to speak up and clue her in about her behavior, but he was nervous that it would be an uncomfortable conversation. Her feelings might get hurt. She was such a good friend and there was a lot at stake.

My first goal was to diffuse Tim’s anger. It’s never a good idea to have a touchy conversation when emotions are high. So I asked him a question that took the focus off Jill.

Is it you?

“Could some of your own issues be in play here?” I asked.

Tim looked surprised. I explained that when we are upset about someone else’s behavior, it is often a reminder of something within ourselves that we are struggling with. In other words, it might be about us, not them.

After some thought, Tim admitted that it was Jill’s pushiness that bothered him most, not so much the self-promoting. When I asked him to look for times he had been pushy, a light bulb went on and he laughed. He admitted that he himself had been accused of being pushy several times in the past, and this made him feel embarrassed.

Tim saw that while Jill was acting out of line to a certain degree, some of his own issues were blowing the situation a little out of proportion.

“I see how it is partly my issue, but I still think she went overboard.”

Let it go?

Tim had the option of not saying anything at all. The fact is that most aggravations like this will disappear on their own with a little time. So I advised Tim to wait a bit before doing anything.

Speak up but don’t attack

Two weeks passed, and Tim felt less emotional about it. He decided he did want to say something but was not sure how to do it.

So I offered Tim a way to express his feelings to Jill, while at the same time acknowledging his own issues with her. This way he could tell her how he felt and at the same time not make her feel like she was being attacked, laying the groundwork for a win-win outcome.

Here was the script we agreed on.

“Hey Jill, I just wanted to tell you that everyone enjoyed listening to your CD. I have to be honest, I did feel like you got a little worked up about it, especially when I got your last email about my wife. I was feeling like you were being a little pushy and I noticed it triggering something in me, because I have been told that I have tended to be pushy myself. So I’m sure I am more sensitive to it than other people, but I thought I should mention it because we are good friends and it was bothering me.”

Tim used this as a lead-in and set himself up for success by creating a common ground with Jill and not making her feel attacked. This way she could hear what he had to say without immeditiately needing to defend herself. The conversation went “really well. We were able to talk about our own pushiness and laugh a little.”

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email him at bloening@snet.net.