Men are from . . .

In my column in the July 22 Lakeville Journal, I wrote about some useful tips for men to help them understand women better. This week, let’s talk about how guys operate because their needs are very different from women’s.

Give them space

One of my female clients complained that just when her relationship with her boyfriend was going well, he would “disappear†into his basement woodshop for hours, even days, at a time.  This was both confusing and painful for her.

Even though he explained to her that he was simply doing handyman projects and that she shouldn’t take it personally, he seemed somewhat more cool and distant toward her. It felt like he didn’t want to be around her, and it left her wondering if his feelings for her were wavering.

I explained to her that this was “typical†guy behavior, and it likely did not have anything to do with her or the relationship.  Sometimes guys just need to be alone. My advice to women: When a guy needs time alone, he will try to find a way to do that by going off somewhere and doing a project, watching television, or playing a sport — like my friend  who goes fishing early in the morning when he needs space.

The next time a man does this, don’t take it personally; let him go and he will return.

I would even take it a step further, and support and encourage him to have this time; he will be more “present†for you because of it.  

Don’t force the talk

Another client told me that her husband would sometimes shut down if she wanted to talk to him about the financial problems they had been faced with or with childcare issues.

She was frustrated that he would immediately change the subject and then, if she persisted, would go into another room, turn on the computer and ignore her.

I told her that sometimes men perceive a weightier conversation like this to be “work,†and it takes more for them to gear up for a serious conversation than it does for women. They aren’t unwilling, they simply operate in a slower gear.

I also said there was a right moment for conversations such as these — specifically, when they are feeling calm and open, not stressed.

At this my client laughed and said, “You mean, trying to talk to him the moment he comes in the door from work isn’t the right time?â€

My advice: When you want to talk about serious stuff, approach him when he’s feeling relaxed, like after he has had time to decompress from work or over a weekend.  At that moment simply say, “Honey, I’d like to talk to you about the finances. When would be a good time to do that?† 

With this gentle approach, he may be willing to talk right then. If so, great. If not, he will be honest about when is a good time — precisely because you didn’t force it.

When that time arrives, let him be the one to bring it up as promised. If  he doesn’t — perhaps this is a particularly difficult or sensitive conversation — it’s OK to gently remind him. You might say, “Is this still a good time to talk about the finances?† The key here is not to push too hard.

 Don’t use criticism to get him to do something

One male client of mine told me that his wife was constantly criticizing him in small ways in order to get him to do something for her.

“The garage is a mess, I can’t find anything in there.† “The kids aren’t outdoors enough, you’re always playing video games with them.â€

Ladies, try acknowledging all the things he does well first, and then make a “suggestion†about what you would like to have happen. “The basement looks so good after you organized it, honey.  If we could get the garage reorganized too, we would be incredible.† 

Positive reinforcement and acknowledgment goes a long way with men.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com.  Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.