Moving up in the royalty world

The bravery shown by Prince Harry and Meghan Markle as they speak out about the heavy burden imposed on them by the British royal family has given me the courage to do something I’ve been secretly contemplating for a long time. I’ve decide to give up my commoner status and become a royal.

Lest you think I’m another one of those guys who decides to make a career change and expects his wife to go along without any thought to her situation I can assure you that is not the case. We have had extensive discussions and she has graciously agreed to become a Princess. In the event that position is not immediately available, she will accept the title of Royal Duchess subject to a six-month performance review leading to Princess. 

We both agree that under no circumstances will she accept anything along the lines of near-royalty or, god forbid, lady-in-waiting. Even a cursory familiarity with Masterpiece Theater tells you that lesser royals always get the short end of the stick, or worse.

As much as I am inspired by Harry, my circumstances are very much different. Although I have had some experience ribbon cutting at Christmas and throughout the year with pastry boxes it is obviously nowhere near the level required of royals. I am pretty handy with a pair of scissors or shears, as the British might say, so I’m confident that I could get up the learning curve pretty quickly.

I have no military background, which makes the uniform thing a problem. I was a Cub Scout. And I must admit that I was proud to wear the blue and gold. I liked being a Cub Scout and had no desire to move on to the drab tan and green of the Boy Scouts. Unfortunately, I didn’t understand that Scouting is like being on the partnership track at a law firm. Up or out. The den mother had to tell me that I could no longer be a Cub Scout. Apparently, I had aged-out and was headed for the distinction of “world’s oldest Cub Scout.”

Of course, declaring myself a royal is just the first step. I would need to join a royal family. Since I speak the language and with the opening left by Prince Harry, the British royal family would seem to be a natural fit. Although some have questioned how my version of English would translate “across the pond.” 

Depending on how you count them, more than 25 monarchies exist around the world so I’m not solely dependent on the whims of the House of Windsor. That said, I am not interested in joining absolute monarchies or countries with excessively hot weather. That pretty much limits me to Western Europe. Unlike Prince Harry, I’m looking for more of a ceremonial role. Someplace manageable like Lichtenstein or Luxembourg. Monaco is always a possibility and the Scandinavian countries seem very accepting of outsiders. So I have choices.

I’ve reached out to Harry and Meghan for their perspective, so far to no avail. Still clinging to vestiges of royal privilege, they have routed all my inquiries to an intermediary. Some person named Oprah. Oh well, keep calm and carry on.

M.A. Duca is a resident of Twin Lakes, narrowly focused on everyday life.