Our airlines flush with failure

Imagine you’re the pilot of a large Airbus plane flying from Europe to Hong Kong when a flight crew member comes onto the flight deck and breathlessly announces: “Captain, we have to land immediately!�

“Is it a hijacking?�

“Ah, no, not really …�

“Is there a medical emergency?�

“Well, soon, perhaps …�

“Is there violence? Are the passengers in trouble?�

“Yeah, they are revolting and it’s pretty disgusting out there. The toilets are all backed up and won’t flush, there’s sewage running down the aisle in first class.�

“Oh my god, we’ll land immediately.� On the radio, “Control, I’m declaring an emergency and need to divert to the nearest airport.�

“State the nature of the emergency. What assistance do you need?�

“A plumber, a really good plumber.�

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And so it went for a Cathay Pacific flight recently as they diverted to Mumbai in India to deplane passengers, deplane the effluent and, generally, roto-rooter the pipes. Plane toilets use high-speed vacuum pipes to take waste at up to 65 mph into a holding tank, which is only emptied between flights. A multi-million-dollar high-tech plane rendered useless by items stuffed down the toilets.

Was this blockage an act of terrorism? Nope, just an act of modern complacency. Airbus, aware of the problem internationally, has started retrofitting planes with larger pipes and generally “deep-cleaning� the septic systems.

More than you wanted to know, right? Well, wait there is more! Said the engineers: “You would be amazed what we find in the pipes when we clean the system — not just face towels but medicine bottles, socks, items of clothing and even children’s stuffed toys.�

Now, I ask you, is there anyone who owns a home who hasn’t had to deal with some child (hopefully a child) who tries to flush something they shouldn’t? How do you think Roto-Rooter stays in business? “God bless inquisitive kids,� one serviceman once told us as we wrote out a $300 check.

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Meanwhile, this airline toilet problem gets funnier. The U.S. Transport and Security Administration (TSA) has issued an edict, just before Christmas (of course), that passengers must not congregate near the planes’ toilets. Yup, they are serious. Seems people standing about near the toilets could be “a security risk.�

One stewardess asked, “How on earth are we supposed to organize trips to the restroom? Should we issue little counter numbers like at the deli? Raise your hand if you want to go?�

Darrin Kayser, a spokesman for the TSA, part of Homeland Security, said that passengers could still stand in line for the toilet, but that congregating in groups would be discouraged. He said it was up to flight crews to distinguish between “politely waiting for the toilet� and huddling.

Oh, good, what’s the old expression? Two’s company, three’s a crowd — make that, three with crossed legs are congregating?

A chief executive of an airline representative body said he thought “paranoia is taking over.� Mr. Kayser, the TSA spokesman, responded with a terse, “We frequently say security is not a spectator sport … we can’t be successful about stopping terrorism without everyone playing a role,� he said.

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So how you go to the toilet is now your role in anti-terrorism! Be vigilant! Go before you go!

I wonder if the TSA will be after the other new terrorism tools, the so-called Roto-Rooter Dirty Dozen: clothing, Timmy’s teddy that fell in, condoms, diapers, sanitary products, cotton buds, disposable razors, tampons and applicators, cleaning wipes, toothbrushes, bandages and band-aids?

Wait, better yet, make passengers use their 1-quart plastic bags they desperately needed to clear security. No, no, not that way — for their garbage instead of flushing it (and their journey) down the tubes.

Meanwhile, if you are flying this Christmas season, whatever you do, don’t huddle near the toilets. Toilets are dangerous. Or so thinks the TSA.

Peter Riva, formerly of Amenia Union, lives in New Mexico.