Sometimes, A Cigar Is Just a Cigar

Scene: Somewhere in the Tri-corner area, the offices of Sigmund Fred, renowned movie (psycho) analyst.  Enter David Cronenberg, director of “A Dangerous Method.”  “Come in, Herr Direktor.  What seems to be the problem?”  “Well, Doc, I heard you didn’t care much for my movie.  Is it true?”  Stage whisper: “Didn’t care much?  Seriously?”  Aloud: “This is about you, not me. But since you ask, it was, as we say, not so hot. Or, as you say, eine rotten tomato.”  “C’mon, Doc, Keira Knightley in flowing white dresses with hats didn’t get you, not to mention doing naked S&M?  What are you, some kind of repressed turn-of-the-century dude?”  “Listen, Dumkopf.  The first 15 minutes of the movie, with Keira Knightley thrusting out her lantern jaw and contorting her face to do a crazy person who becomes Carl Jung’s first patient, all the vile stuff in a bad Russian accent, was enough to put me off her for life, naked or not. Seven ‘Pride and Prejudices,’ five ‘Bend It Like Beckhams’ and 10 Hail Marys may not be sufficient to cure me!”  “But weren’t you curious to know the real story behind the breakup of Freud and Jung?  And how about that Viggo Mortensen as Freud?  Love working with that guy!”  “You’re pushing your luck, Herr Cronenberg.  Viggo looked as bored with Michael Fassbender’s Jung as I felt, and he played Freud like a bad caricature, spouting epigrams, chomping cigars, and all. I suggest to you that a documentary film vould be good for this, but a Cliff Notes historical fiction that telegraphs and skims over every meaningful detail? Ach! Your scriptwriter has never heard of ‘show, don’t tell’? And somehow I don’t think Jung’s supposed midlife crisis was behind their falling out.  Mein Gott!”  “You really are harsh, Doc. Aren’t you supposed to be helping me?”  “Ja. Stick to ‘Der Fly’ and you’ll feel better in the morning.  I really liked ‘Der Fly.’  Best gross-out movie ever!”  “Oh, I see. This is how it’s going to be. Say, aren’t you the only critic on earth who panned ‘The Muppets,’ you heartless quack, you?!”  “Well, to paraphrase my near-namesake, ‘Sometimes a bomb is just a bomb.’ Don’t worry, though, you’ll be in my bottom five of 2012.  Time’s up.  Auf Wiedersehen!” “A Dangerous Method” is rated R for sexual content and brief language.It is playing at The Triplex in Great Barrington, MA.