The terrors, oh, the fear

I am terrified of losing my car keys down a grating. I think it comes from all those old comedy movies where they have to fish them out by fastening a piece of chewing gum on the end of a stick, using the sticky gum to recover the keys. This is clearly impossible. My keys weigh about a pound and consist of three split rings with several keys, each including one of those oversized ignition keys with the chip in it. If my keys go down the grate, the grate will have to be lifted out. I carry a crow bar in my car.Somehow, if there is a storm grate in a parking lot, I always manage to park so that when I open the driver’s door anything in my lap will fall out on the ground, or in this case, down the grate. So before emerging from my vehicle I take a death grip on my keys and move to a safe area before trying to put them in my pocket. Re-entering the vehicle is 10 times worse as I have to have the keys in my hand as I approach the car. Remote locks help. You can click the doors open from a distance, and then place the keys back in your pocket until successful re-entry.• • •When I was a child I was terrified of needles. Of course back then they reused the same one over and over until it was so blunt you could inscribe the Lord’s Prayer on the tip. Oh, sure, they sterilized it between uses. This just added to the terror. Upon entering the treatment room I would look to see if the sterilizer was running. If it was, I was safe. They wouldn’t poke you with a hot needle.When I was about 11 years old my mom took me for some allergy tests. They sat me down in the treatment room next to a table with about 18 little hypos in a rack. Nervously I asked if some of these were for me. “Oh, just these,” he said gesturing to the entire rack. They found me later in the car.As I got older I began to realize that the tiny pinch from a needle was infinitely preferable to hours of vomiting, or polio, or whooping cough, etc. Tiny pinch is doctor speak. It is a euphemism. When I was a kid my doctor always cracked the same hilarious (to him) joke, “This is going to hurt you more than it will hurt me.” He didn’t lie.As I got older they explained to me that pain is actually a good thing. It is the body’s way of telling us that something is wrong. What is wrong is that something hurts.Bill Abrams resides in Pine Plains, where he does his best to avoid grates and needles.

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