Are you too big a giver?

I had a client who called herself a “caregiver†and a “helper.†She always had a compulsion to be doing something for someone else, and thought that would make her happy. This need to help felt so strong in her that

she was amazed at some of the crazy things she had done to help other people, many to her own detriment. One time she missed her train because she was helping someone with directions to a T.G.I. Friday’s restaurant.

We looked at the reasons for the subconscious self-talk that was telling her she had to help whenever she could.

Here were a few she came up with: If I help, people will like me, and think I am worthwhile; people will want to be my friend, and will include me in their plans.

If I don’t help, people will think I am lazy or selfish.

We also looked at what caused this need. One of the few times her father openly expressed approval was when she helped him. The approval from her father felt like love to her, something she craved from him. Subconsciously, her survival was linked to getting this love as a child, a feeling that was still in full play as an adult when it was no longer appropriate.

Identifying the limiting beliefs and recognizing the sources were important steps in taking this behavior from a subconscious to a conscious level.

Her assignment for the first week was to just do one thing for herself for just 30 minutes — something she never did, because she didn’t “deserve it.†That week she agreed to sit in a local Barnes and Noble, have a mocha frappuccino, and read a book.

She reported back that she felt hugely guilty about walking over there in the first place, and then totally uncomfortable just sitting there, indulging herself. But she said after 30 minutes she “really got into it†— and she even stayed for an extra five minutes.

I told her that it was healthy to do things that she wanted to do once in a while without worrying about others.

“If you don’t take care of yourself first, you won’t be able to take care of anyone else.†She said that this made sense, and felt a little less guilty and selfish about trying something like this.

The next assignment was bigger. She was going to her parents’ big cocktail party. She predicted she would  help pass hors d’oeuvres, make guests feel welcome, and get drinks for people. But in the new program, she was going to find someone she liked to talk to, and not do any “helping†that evening. She was going to enjoy herself. Her parents had hired people for the event so she did not need to help.

For her this was “like jumping out of an airplane,†but she did it and told me she had “a great time; it was so nice to just enjoy myself.â€

But after getting back home she had moments of guilt and feared that she had acted selfishly when she should have been helping.

An affirmation we created for her helped her stay on track: “I only help others when it works for me as well, and that is healthy for them and me.â€

By doing the opposite of her instincts she was programming some new and better options for handling situations into her brain’s database.

The goal: when something presented itself, she would be fully versed in all the ways she could “be†and she could choose what worked best for her at that time, instead of always being on automatic pilot.

I had her continue “not helping†in various situations even intentionally being selfish, until she was comfortable with this new approach. Now she could choose. The process involved small consistent steps over a period of time, but a minimal investment compared to the decades of being at the mercy of her subconscious.

Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.