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If I Were Santa Claus: A Few Gifts I'd Bring


If I were Santa Claus, I would bring:

* President Bush a self-setting compass so he could change direction in Iraq without appearing to and an autopilot so he could stay the course all by himself.

* Vice President Cheney a spaceship of his own so he could be above the battle and confer with his oil pals in real secrecy. With any luck he would stay there.

* New Defense Secretary Robert Gates a set of binoculars to help him judge whether he is being told the full truth about violence in Iraq.

* Secretary of State Rice a mirror so she could see how much nicer she looks when she isn’t scowling.

* Former Secretary Colin Powell an exception to his personal code of honor so he could say what he really thinks about the war and the way he was treated.

* Attorney General Alberto Gonzales a lawbook on the sanctity of treaties so he could understand that American signature of the Geneva Conventions on humane treatment of prisoners of war meant exactly what it said.

* United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon a bouquet of good wishes and a harpoon shield for deflecting the sorts of unfair attacks sustained by his predecessor, Kofi Annan.

* British Prime Minister Tony Blair an asbestos-covered doghouse so he could withstand the political heat from politicians who charge that he is George Bush’s poodle.

* Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad a trip to Auschwitz so he could see for himself whether or not the Holocaust really happened.

* Russian President Vladimir Putin a face-lift so he didn’t look as if he had just done in another opponent.


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* A magic carpet to Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, John Edwards, Dennis Kucinich and Bill Richardson for whisking them to and from outlying precincts like New Hampshire and a weathervane and anemometer for testing the political winds.

* A political accordion to the new Democratic majority on Capitol Hill so members could make music about their new opportunity without blowing it.

* An infusion of backbone to help members stand up against Bush administration excesses on prisoner torture and illegal wiretapping.

* Ditto an understanding of right and wrong so they could make ethics in Congress something more than an oxymoron.

* Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi the wit and wisdom to build consensus on important issues other than the Iraq war, beginning with national health care and environmental issues ignored or traduced by the Bush administration.

* A microphone to U.S. Senator John McCain, who in his new avocation as a crooner sounds more persuasive than as a Republican presidential candidate.

* A muffler to Newt Gingrich who, having resigned from Congress on an ethical issue, still orates so often on behalf of the neocons.

* A reminder to Connecticut U.S. Senator Joe Lieberman that Democrats elected him first.

* Courage to Connecticut's new 5th District U.S. Rep. Chris Murphy to withstand special interest pressures in Washington and a bowl with which to start his re-election solicitation.

* Thanks to his predecessor, Nancy Johnson, for the good things she accomplished, but a barb for having accepted a free trip with her husband to the Galapagos Islands, provided by the Nature Conservancy, and a slap at the conservancy for such blatantly political use of contributed funds.


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* Recognition of how much we in the still largely rural Tri-State corner depend on the work of volunteers in so many areas of community life, starting with public safety and health, and a determination to keep them operating without red tape and unreasonable restrictions.

* Parallel recognition that a supply of volunteers depends upon housing they can afford, and a determination to do more in the next year to provide more such housing in each of the towns.

* A vote of appreciation to our teachers at all levels, who, in addition to being basic instructors, are called upon so often today to fulfill disciplinary or supervisory roles that in earlier generations were assumed by parents.

* New firehouses to Kent and Salisbury that will leave residents satisfied that they are getting their money’s worth while providing for much-needed expansion.

* A new site for the Salisbury-Sharon Transfer Station that will please everyone and offend no one.

* Completion of a sidewalk all the way between the villages of Lakeville and Salisbury that was being talked about in the columns of The Lakeville Journal a full century ago.

* A linguistic ruler for that indefatigable grammatical policeman, Marion Haeberle, for keeping me on the straight and narrow.

* And, finally, an extra Brownie point to each reader of this column for putting up with me through another year. Politically correct Happy Holidays and a more rewarding New Year to all.

 

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