Never apologize or explain

Over the years I have known quite a few men, especially those older than I, perhaps born in the late ‘30s or early ‘40s, who early-on adopted a slogan of self-worth for themselves of “Never Apologize, Never Explain.” 

I’ve never heard of a woman taking that position, but many male acquaintances of years in New York City, upstate and in L.A. all seemed desperate to wear that slogan as a suit of armor. For two of the men I knew particularly well, both professed a hatred or, at best, total disdain for an “authoritarian” mother. 

In one case, I had lunch with a mother in an exclusive midtown club, and she explained that her son always felt that if he ever admitted he did wrong as a child he could be punished, so he stopped ever apologizing or admitting or explaining. His way of surviving what she called “dents” to his ego was, simply, to shrug off any behavioral norms and live in his own self-created image. Her way of coping with her child was to send money to the schools he attended to keep him attending.

And I have to say, these types of men often become celebrity-famous, and the papers, especially Page Six of the New York Post, feature these types of “real males” regularly. In fact, one man - — a celebrity attorney to the stars — was adamant he would make the cover of Time magazine and even said the art department there gave him a mock-up cover which he, of course, had framed on his office wall. 

It is worth noting that he later went to jail; his “never explain, never apologize” maybe not working too well in court when he was charged with financial fraud.

These and others I have known in pressure centers such as the Hollywood arena or Washington, D.C., get through life not so much by proving their worth, but in a more needy way, needing to protect a very fragile inner child — by aggrandizing themselves by negating others. 

But when anyone holds this type of person up for legitimate, truthful, ridicule, their world begins to crumble. Result? Either they ostracize the critic or find a weak point and bully — and they never, ever, change their tune. Once taken, their position is that only theirs is the real, truthful, way — everyone else is wrong. And all that does is further demonstrate their desperation — providing the one being bullied and the one being lied to does not care.

Eventually, their world comes crashing down or they lose themselves to debt, drugs, booze and other excesses. What many perceive as arrogance and power in them encourages such sycophants who encourage their egos — cultivating excesses that usually lead to all sorts of behavioral, legal and, certainly, moral errors. It is just a matter of time.

Peter Riva, a former resident of Amenia Union, now lives in New Mexico.