Painted fences make good neighbors

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So what’s the point of all this?

With me, there’s always a point or a moral. The Iraqis have shown the way. Now the Palestinians should start painting the wall the Israelis have been erecting to discourage militants from strolling out of the West Bank across the borders and blowing themselves up in Israeli markets, at weddings and bar mitzvahs. Some subjects that come to mind: pictures of olive groves, canyons at twilight, the cities of ancient Gaza, a nice portrait of Samson knocking down one of their ancient temples, et al.

Israel should also encourage its many artists to do the same.

Moving right along, let’s call on the Indians and Pakistanis to round up their artists to paint scenes on the protective wall the Indians are building at a cost of hundreds of millions of dollars along the border in Kashmir. The Indians have no shortage of subjects. One god alone has 33,000 incarnations. And the Indians have a rich source of painterly material in Bollywood, their movie industry: beautiful Indian actors and actresses.

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Justifying the wall, the head of India’s Border Security Force in Jammu and Kashmir said: "The fence will be a permanent barrier at the border to prevent militants from entering. Why should we wait for them to come in and attack our people?"

Close your eyes and you could swear you were hearing a speech by a defense minister in Israel justifying the wall aimed at keeping the Arab suicide bombers at home, or maybe it’s President George W. Bush justifying the $1.2 billion, 700-mile-long fence stretching along the United States-Mexico border to keep those unemployed Mexicans at home where they belong.

Never mind that Mexico’s president likens our wall to the Berlin Wall. "I am sure that today the United States is committing a grave error in constructing a wall along our northern border," President Felipe Calderon said. "I didn’t think it is necessary to point out that the Mexicans just want to work, not blow themselves up."

Which segues us to Canada where there hasn’t been a wall or fence along the nearly 3,000 miles of our mutual border since our founding. And anyone who suggests we start building one should first check with the Chinese and ask how much their awesome Great Wall cost and how long it kept the barbarians out in the cold.

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Now, as you know, Mexican muralists are world famous and I urge them to betake themselves to the border wall with the United States and get to work. We haven’t had a new likeness of Pancho Villa in more years than I can count. And a new biography wouldn’t be a bad idea. There are still lessons our military could learn from Villa’s guerrilla war with practically the entire U.S. Army. For two years, the Army under the command of General Blackjack Pershing chased Pancho Villa all over Mexico — and never caught him.

For this adroit display of military astuteness, we immediately put Pershing in charge of the American Expeditionary Forces we shipped to France when we joined the First World War.

There’s no painting to be done on Hadrian’s Wall that the Romans built across England when it failed to conquer the entire British Isles. Hadrian’s Wall is a collection of ruins and memories.

Finally, before we run out of space, there’s the wonderful Maginot Line, a fortified wall, much of it underground, the French built after the First World War to stop the Germans from ever again invading their country.

Only problem is the French didn’t run the Maginot along Belgium and Holland. During WW I, the Germans pushed their way into France by going through the Low Countries. They did it again in WW II. Since the demise of Napoleon, the French haven’t learned a thing about fighting wars.

So, Iraqi artists, I salute you: Bring on your paints, your palettes, bring on your brushes. And if you need help, someone to hold your ladder, perhaps, or mix your paints, remember how Tom Sawyer convinced his buddies to pay him for the privilege of helping whitewash his fence!