Real cooks don't watch 'Emeril Live'


Emeril Lagasse is a good hearted, charming man, a doting father and a philanthropist who hails from Fall River, Mass., where he learned to cook in the Portuguese tradition with salt cod, chorizo (a very spicy sausage) and lots of bacon and lard.

From these humble beginnings, he has become a celebrity chef with several prestigious restaurants but, alas, for too many years, he has been the host of a TV cooking show. Would that he give up the TV shtick and return to serving his dining guests.

When you have to rely on the same old, sad, unfunny remarks, and force your studio audience to laugh on cue, it's time to turn off the cameras.

I'm a cooking show addict, so what am I complaining about? I sit on the edge of my captain's chair when one of the Iron Chefs starts hacking away at a leg of lamb with a cleaver or is slicing cucumbers on a French mandoline at the speed of light without losing a few fingers. That's entertainment! Can you ask for anything more?

Yes, I can ask Emeril to abandon his stock of clichés, hire some newwriters and stop boring his audiences and viewers.


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He demeans his audience, as if none of them ever cooked before, with insufferable clichés: "I'm putting this in the ice box, that would be the refrigerator." When he starts a new dish, he repeats three or four times as he pops something into a pan, "Now, basically, I'm making a roux." Basically, smasically. Just throw the damn onions into the sauce and say, "I'm adding onions."

How about: "I'm cutting this with a serrated knife. That's the knife that has been in your kitchen cabinet for five years and you don't know what it's for. You know who you are " Baloney, I've been using a serrated knife for all 58 years of my happy marriage.

And then there's draining the spaghetti. Whenever, and I mean,


always , he takes pasta out of boiling water, he says:"Drain the pasta well.Biggest mistake people make is they don't drain the pasta. Then when Aunt Ellen arrives and sits down to eat her pasta it's dripping."

 

Apparently, when Emeril decides who can join his studio audience, he demands they swear on a stack of cookbooks (his) that they will clap whenever he adds garlic to a dish. Clap

style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: arial", he takes pasta out of boiling water, he says:"drain the pasta well.biggest mistake people make is they don't drain the pasta. then when aunt ellen arrives and sits down to eat her pasta it's dripping." >

 

every time? I like garlic for its flavor, despite what it does to my breath, so what's to clap about?

 

style="font-size: 10pt; font-family: arial"time? i like garlic for its flavor, despite what it does to my breath, so what's to clap about? >

 


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Now, when he actually starts cooking on camera and is browning something he too often starts clowning around, fails to pay attention and blackens one side of the roast, the chop, the chicken or the fish.

With a sleight of the hand he turns the black side down and then asks his veteran cameraman, "Can you get a shot of this, Buck?" Of course, Buck can. He has his cameras in place before the show goes on the air.

When an occasional member of the audience leans over to make a small remark to her seat companion, Emeril says: "Everything OK over there, ladies?" That's OK, but following up with the insulting sneer "Get your own show" is not.

There's his non-stop contention that "pork fat rules." Pork fat did rule when he first initiated TV cooking shows. But after more than 1,000 performances, cardiologists world-wide now will tell you that "pork fat kills." Get another line, Emeril.

Then there's Rhoda, the floor manager, who whips the audience into a frenzy when The Chef comes on stage. She gives the signal to go crazy at the word garlic. She also is his timekeeper. When she holds up a sign that a segment is running long, he insults her: "OK Rhoda, this is a cooking show. We're cooking here, not flopping turkeys."


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Emeril basically is a nice man, full of energy, charming, but stuck in a rut. He should turn his cooking show over to the up-and-coming chefs of tomorrow, and spend some useful time touring the country and appearing on other food shows and offering advice based on his years of experience.

No hard feelings, Emeril. I'm happy to throw some kudos your way and congratulate you for being selected Grand Marshal of the 2008 Rose Bowl Parade in Pasadena. If our alma mater, University of Michigan, is playing in the bowl we'll fly out, cheer on our team and you.

Now, basically, you know, like, that's basically all I have to say today. BAM!


Curmudgeon Barnett Laschever of Goshen, Conn., is a self-acclaimed cook, and co-author with Andi Marie Cantele of "Connecticut, An Explorer's Guide." He met his wife, Dolores, when both were reporters on the university’s student-run newspaper, the Michigan Daily.

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