Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

"Mandy"

Produced by SpectreVision

Since Christmas I have watched about 200 of the worst movies I could find. Thanks to the wonders of streaming, the supply of horrible films is, apparently, inexhaustible.

A note on methodology: I relied heavily on Rifftrax, an outfit that does the hard work of digging up these relics and offers them accompanied by what they call “riffing,” meaning they crack jokes.

The danger here is concentrating on the commentary and not the movies. Here at The Lakeville Journal’s Bad Cinema Desk, we write our own jokes.

So when feasible, I found the straight version of a flick Rifftrax covers.

Free-with-ads services such as Tubi, Freevee, and Plex have vast libraries of cruddy stuff, so it’s not that hard to track these things down.

But sometimes it was just simpler to go with Rifftrax and do my best to avoid swiping their gags.

Here are five awful movies that got my attention, for all the wrong reasons.

“Mandy” (2018): Psychedelic pshocker with the always-entertaining Nicolas Cage doing battle against a cult of weirdos whose leader (Linus Roache) seems to think he’s a cross between Jesus and Charlie Manson, with a little Jon Anderson (of Yes) thrown in for seasoning.

The weirdos are in cahoots with a gang of mutant bikers, and everybody’s drinking down this sludgy LSD specially created for them by the Chemist because, A) he doesn’t like them, and B) he’s got a tiger.

Kung fu with chainsaws, medieval weapons and bare fists. Eyeball-popping. Barbed wire. Hallucinations galore. King Crimson music. Custom vans. About 40 gallons of blood. Dorm room theology. And Cage in his skivvies, for maximum horror.

“Fungicide” (2002): This could be called “outsider cinema.” It could also be called “amateurish dreck.” Both descriptions are correct.

A mad scientist, an ex-military guy with issues, a jort-wearing tough guy from Philly and a real estate dork all show up at a rustic bed and breakfast.

The mad scientist has done something to the mushrooms so the spores are floating around creating killer mushrooms and the world is gonna end. I think that’s the gist of it. It’s hard to tell. The sound is kinda muddy.

What makes this shine are the killer mushrooms. There are three types: Mushrooms with teeth that are about 2 feet tall; man-sized mushrooms (no teeth); and unconvincing computer mushrooms.

Mushroom attack cam. Real estate broker chewed by mushrooms. Excellent stick fights between cast members and the big mushrooms. The slowest martial arts kicks ever captured on someone’s aunt’s camcorder. Mad scientist who would steal the show if there was a show to steal. Fascinating in its way. However, you may lose IQ points by watching this.

"Miami Connection"Produced by P.J.K. Group

“Miami Connection” (1987): Also outsider cinema, in the sense that it really wants to be inside.

This flick centers around the guys in Dragon Sound, a rock band that made me long for the hard-hitting sounds of Journey or a tape of seals giving birth, whichever is easier to round up.

The Dragon Sound members study tae kwon do with the rhythm guitarist, Mark, and they need it because they get mixed up with a cocaine-dealing bunch of ninja-type bad guys. Also Mark’s not much of a guitarist.

The flick’s got a “Scooby-Doo” or “Archies” feel to it, marred somewhat by the star’s inability to speak English.

The music sequences would be unbelievable…except they are indistinguishable from rock videos of the era. So if the hard work of dozens of professional filmmakers and musicians can be duplicated for about 10 cents on the dollar by a bunch of complete amateurs, that says something. Something profound. And if you give me a minute I’ll remember what it is.

“Radical Jack” (2000): Starring Mr. Achy Breaky his ownself, Billy Ray Cyrus, as Jack, ex-CIA, seeker of justice and proud owner of the most spectacular mullet haircut in world history.

Jack blows into a small Vermont town and gets tangled up in an arms-dealing racket. I know that when I’m in the market for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher or some other handy item, I always think “Vermont.”

Here I must bow in tribute to Rifftrax for the vocal stylings during the sponge bath scene.

Elsewhere, you will be as pleased as I was when the son of the bad guy gets it right in the pleated Dockers. In these lax, postmodern times, crimes against style are so rarely punished in public.

"The Apple"Produced by NF Geria II Filmgesellschaft

“The Apple” (1980): Saving the absolute worst for last, this is a sci-fi rock musical, written and directed by Menahem Golan.

The story is that something called the BIM is coming, and a whole mob of freaks in shiny underwear have to get ready. Meanwhile this guy Alphie wants to rescue this girl Bibi from the BIM and go live in a field with the hippies.

It’s difficult to describe this adequately, so let’s just go with “bonkers,” which was how Falls Village’s Garth Kobal summed it up in a recent discussion of the trashy and ephemeral.

The high point is a musical number, “Coming.”

I used to think that Donna Summer’s 1975 disco hit “Love to Love You Baby” was the last word in sex songs. I mean, it’s about 20 minutes of moaning over a relentless beat.

But next to “Coming,” Summer’s effort sounds like a Gregorian chant.

The other high point is the end. Well, near the end.

There is an honest-to-God deus ex machina. Literally. A guy in a glowing white suit who gets out of a glowing white Rolls Royce in the sky to lead the hippies to Paradise.

And it’s not John Lennon.

Note: Many Rifftrax flicks (and predecessor “Mystery Science Theater 3000”) are available on the above-mentioned streaming services. For the uninitiated, watching a riffed version is a safe way to enter the world of Bad Cinema. Only advanced viewers should attempt the original versions, due to the very real possibility of irreparable brain damage.

Latest News

Classifieds - February 26, 2026

Classifieds - February 26, 2026

Help Wanted

PART-TIME CARE-GIVER NEEDED: possibly LIVE-IN. Bright private STUDIO on 10 acres. Queen Bed, En-Suite Bathroom, Kitchenette & Garage. SHARON 407-620-7777.

The Salisbury Association’s Land Trust seeks part-time Land Steward: Responsibilities include monitoring easements and preserves, filing monitoring reports, documenting and reporting violations or encroachments, and recruiting and supervising volunteer monitors. The Steward will also execute preserve and trail stewardship according to Management Plans and manage contractor activity. Up to 10 hours per week, compensation commensurate with experience. Further details and requirements are available on request. To apply: Send cover letter, resume, and references to info@salisburyassociation.org. The Salisbury Association is an equal opportunity employer.

Keep ReadingShow less
To save birds, plant for caterpillars

Fireweed attracts the fabulous hummingbird sphinx moth.

Photo provided by Wild Seed Project

You must figure that, as rough as the cold weather has been for us, it’s worse for wildlife. Here, by the banks of the Housatonic, flocks of dark-eyed juncos, song sparrows, tufted titmice and black-capped chickadees have taken up residence in the boxwood — presumably because of its proximity to the breakfast bar. I no longer have a bird feeder after bears destroyed two versions and simply throw chili-flavored birdseed onto the snow twice a day. The tiny creatures from the boxwood are joined by blue jays, cardinals and a solitary flicker.

These birds will soon enough be nesting, and their babies will require a nonstop diet of caterpillars. This source of soft-bodied protein makes up more than 90 percent of native bird chicks’ diets, with each clutch consuming between 6,000 and 9,000 caterpillars before they fledge. That means we need a lot of caterpillars if we want our bird population to survive.

Keep ReadingShow less
Stephanie Haboush Plunkett and the home for American illustration

Stephanie Haboush Plunkett

L. Tomaino
"The field of illustration is very close to my heart"
— Stephanie Plunkett

For more than three decades, Stephanie Haboush Plunkett has worked to elevate illustration as a serious art form. As chief curator and Rockwell Center director at the Norman Rockwell Museum in Stockbridge, Massachusetts, she has helped bring national and international attention to an art form long dismissed as merely commercial.

Her commitment to illustration is deeply personal. Plunkett grew up watching her father, Joseph Haboush, an illustrator and graphic designer, work late into the night in his home studio creating art and hand-lettered logos for package designs, toys and licensed-character products for the Walt Disney Co. and other clients.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Free film screening and talk on end-of-life care
‘Come See Me in the Good Light’ is nominated for best documentary at this year’s Academy Awards.
Provided

Craig Davis, co-founder and board chair of East Mountain House, an end-of-life care facility in Lakeville, will sponsor a March 5 screening of the documentary “Come See Me in the Good Light” at The Moviehouse in Millerton, followed by a discussion with attendees.

The film, which is nominated for best documentary at this year’s Academy Awards, follows the poet Andrea Gibson and their partner Megan Falley as they are suddenly and unimaginably forced to navigate a terminal illness. The free screening invites audiences to gather not just for a film but for reflection on mortality, healing, connection and the ways communities support one another through difficult life transitions.

Keep ReadingShow less

The power of one tray

The power of one tray

A tray can help group items in a way that looks and feels thoughtful and intentional.

Kerri-Lee Mayland

Winter is a season that invites us to notice our surroundings more closely and crave small, comforting changes rather than big projects.

That’s often when clients ask what they can do to make their homes feel finished or fresh again — without redecorating, renovating or shopping endlessly. My answer: start with one tray.

Keep ReadingShow less

Tangled specks: tiny flies, big ambitions

Tangled specks: tiny flies, big ambitions

Here is a sample from a recently purchased assortment of specks. From left: Black speck, Parachute Adams dry fly speck, greenish sparkly speck.

Patrick L. Sullivan

I need to get my glasses checked

My fingers fumbling like heck

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.