Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

"Mandy"

Produced by SpectreVision

Since Christmas I have watched about 200 of the worst movies I could find. Thanks to the wonders of streaming, the supply of horrible films is, apparently, inexhaustible.

A note on methodology: I relied heavily on Rifftrax, an outfit that does the hard work of digging up these relics and offers them accompanied by what they call “riffing,” meaning they crack jokes.

The danger here is concentrating on the commentary and not the movies. Here at The Lakeville Journal’s Bad Cinema Desk, we write our own jokes.

So when feasible, I found the straight version of a flick Rifftrax covers.

Free-with-ads services such as Tubi, Freevee, and Plex have vast libraries of cruddy stuff, so it’s not that hard to track these things down.

But sometimes it was just simpler to go with Rifftrax and do my best to avoid swiping their gags.

Here are five awful movies that got my attention, for all the wrong reasons.

“Mandy” (2018): Psychedelic pshocker with the always-entertaining Nicolas Cage doing battle against a cult of weirdos whose leader (Linus Roache) seems to think he’s a cross between Jesus and Charlie Manson, with a little Jon Anderson (of Yes) thrown in for seasoning.

The weirdos are in cahoots with a gang of mutant bikers, and everybody’s drinking down this sludgy LSD specially created for them by the Chemist because, A) he doesn’t like them, and B) he’s got a tiger.

Kung fu with chainsaws, medieval weapons and bare fists. Eyeball-popping. Barbed wire. Hallucinations galore. King Crimson music. Custom vans. About 40 gallons of blood. Dorm room theology. And Cage in his skivvies, for maximum horror.

“Fungicide” (2002): This could be called “outsider cinema.” It could also be called “amateurish dreck.” Both descriptions are correct.

A mad scientist, an ex-military guy with issues, a jort-wearing tough guy from Philly and a real estate dork all show up at a rustic bed and breakfast.

The mad scientist has done something to the mushrooms so the spores are floating around creating killer mushrooms and the world is gonna end. I think that’s the gist of it. It’s hard to tell. The sound is kinda muddy.

What makes this shine are the killer mushrooms. There are three types: Mushrooms with teeth that are about 2 feet tall; man-sized mushrooms (no teeth); and unconvincing computer mushrooms.

Mushroom attack cam. Real estate broker chewed by mushrooms. Excellent stick fights between cast members and the big mushrooms. The slowest martial arts kicks ever captured on someone’s aunt’s camcorder. Mad scientist who would steal the show if there was a show to steal. Fascinating in its way. However, you may lose IQ points by watching this.

"Miami Connection"Produced by P.J.K. Group

“Miami Connection” (1987): Also outsider cinema, in the sense that it really wants to be inside.

This flick centers around the guys in Dragon Sound, a rock band that made me long for the hard-hitting sounds of Journey or a tape of seals giving birth, whichever is easier to round up.

The Dragon Sound members study tae kwon do with the rhythm guitarist, Mark, and they need it because they get mixed up with a cocaine-dealing bunch of ninja-type bad guys. Also Mark’s not much of a guitarist.

The flick’s got a “Scooby-Doo” or “Archies” feel to it, marred somewhat by the star’s inability to speak English.

The music sequences would be unbelievable…except they are indistinguishable from rock videos of the era. So if the hard work of dozens of professional filmmakers and musicians can be duplicated for about 10 cents on the dollar by a bunch of complete amateurs, that says something. Something profound. And if you give me a minute I’ll remember what it is.

“Radical Jack” (2000): Starring Mr. Achy Breaky his ownself, Billy Ray Cyrus, as Jack, ex-CIA, seeker of justice and proud owner of the most spectacular mullet haircut in world history.

Jack blows into a small Vermont town and gets tangled up in an arms-dealing racket. I know that when I’m in the market for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher or some other handy item, I always think “Vermont.”

Here I must bow in tribute to Rifftrax for the vocal stylings during the sponge bath scene.

Elsewhere, you will be as pleased as I was when the son of the bad guy gets it right in the pleated Dockers. In these lax, postmodern times, crimes against style are so rarely punished in public.

"The Apple"Produced by NF Geria II Filmgesellschaft

“The Apple” (1980): Saving the absolute worst for last, this is a sci-fi rock musical, written and directed by Menahem Golan.

The story is that something called the BIM is coming, and a whole mob of freaks in shiny underwear have to get ready. Meanwhile this guy Alphie wants to rescue this girl Bibi from the BIM and go live in a field with the hippies.

It’s difficult to describe this adequately, so let’s just go with “bonkers,” which was how Falls Village’s Garth Kobal summed it up in a recent discussion of the trashy and ephemeral.

The high point is a musical number, “Coming.”

I used to think that Donna Summer’s 1975 disco hit “Love to Love You Baby” was the last word in sex songs. I mean, it’s about 20 minutes of moaning over a relentless beat.

But next to “Coming,” Summer’s effort sounds like a Gregorian chant.

The other high point is the end. Well, near the end.

There is an honest-to-God deus ex machina. Literally. A guy in a glowing white suit who gets out of a glowing white Rolls Royce in the sky to lead the hippies to Paradise.

And it’s not John Lennon.

Note: Many Rifftrax flicks (and predecessor “Mystery Science Theater 3000”) are available on the above-mentioned streaming services. For the uninitiated, watching a riffed version is a safe way to enter the world of Bad Cinema. Only advanced viewers should attempt the original versions, due to the very real possibility of irreparable brain damage.

Latest News

Roomful of Blues set for April 17 show at Infinity Hall in Norfolk
Photo provided

NORFOLK –Roomful of Blues, the Rhode Island-based band hailed by DownBeat magazine as being “in a class by themselves,” will bring its mix of blues, jump, swing, boogie-woogie and soul to Infinity Hall in Norfolk on Friday, April 17, at 8 p.m.

The long-running group, formed in 1967, is touring behind its Alligator Records album Steppin’ Out!, released in late 2025.

Keep ReadingShow less

Robert E. Stapf Sr.

Robert E. Stapf Sr.

MILLERTON — Robert E. Stapf Sr. (Bobbo), a devoted husband, loving father, grandfather, great grandfather, brother and friend to many, passed away peacefully on April 9, 2026, at the age of 77, happily at home surrounded by lots and lots of love and with the best care ever.

Bob was born Jan. 16, 1949, to the late Peter and Dorothy (Fountain) Stapf. He began working at an early age, met his forever love, Sandy, in 7th grade and later graduated from Pine Plains Central School.

Keep ReadingShow less

Michael Joseph Carabine

Michael Joseph Carabine

SHARON — Michael Joseph Carabine, 81, of Sharon, Connecticut, passed away on the morning of Friday, April 3, 2026, at Bryn Mawr Hospital in Bryn Mawr, Pennsylvania. He was the beloved husband of the late Angela Derrico Carabine and loving father to Caitlin Carabine McLean.

Michael was born on April 23, 1944, in Bronx, New York. He was the son of the late Thomas and Kathleen Carabine of New York.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Chion Wolf brings ‘Audacious’ radio show to Winsted with show-and-tell event
Nils Johnson, co-founder and president of The Little Red Barn Brewers in Winsted, hosted Chion Wolf and her Connecticut Public show “Audacious LIVE: Show and Tell,” which was broadcast on April 8, drawing a sold-out crowd.
Jennifer Almquist

The parking lot of The Little Red Barn Brewers in Winsted was full on Wednesday, April 8, as more than 100 people from 43 Connecticut towns — including New Haven and Vernon — arrived carrying personal treasures for a live taping of “Audacious LIVE Show & Tell.”

Chion Wolf, host and producer of Connecticut Public’s “Audacious,” and her crew, led by production manager Maegn Boone, brought the program to the packed brewery for an evening of story-driven conversation and shared keepsakes.

Keep ReadingShow less
Marge Parkhurst, the preservation detective

Marge Parkhurst with a collection of historic nails recovered from wall cavities during restoration work.

Photo courtesy of Marge Parkhurst/Cottage & Country Painting Company
Walls still surprise me. If you look hard enough, you can find buried treasure.
Marge Parkhurst

After nearly 50 years of painting some of Litchfield County’s oldest homes and landmark properties, Marge Parkhurst has developed an eye for the past—reading the clues left behind in stenciled vines, forgotten bottles and newspapers tucked into walls, each revealing a small but vivid piece of Connecticut history.

Parkhurst was stripping wallpaper in a farmhouse in Colebrook — the kind of historic home she has spent decades restoring — when she noticed something odd. Three layers of paper had already come off — each one a different era’s idea of decoration — and beneath them, just barely visible under dull, off-white plaster, a pattern emerged.

Keep ReadingShow less
Wings of Spring performance at the Mahaiwe Theater
Adam Golka
Provided

On Sunday, April 19, at 4 p.m., Close Encounters With Music (CEWM) presents On the Wings of Song at the Mahaiwe Performing Arts Center in Great Barrington.

The program focuses on Robert Schumann’s spellbinding song cycle Dichterliebe (“A Poet’s Love”), a setting of sixteen poems by Heinrich Heine that explores love, longing, and the redemptive power of beauty. Featured artists include John Moore, baritone; Adam Golka, pianist; Miranda Cuckson, viola; and Yehuda Hanani, cello.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.