Thank you!
Your support is sustaining the future of local news in our communities.

Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

Savoring the schlock, one terrible film at a time

"Mandy"

Produced by SpectreVision

Since Christmas I have watched about 200 of the worst movies I could find. Thanks to the wonders of streaming, the supply of horrible films is, apparently, inexhaustible.

A note on methodology: I relied heavily on Rifftrax, an outfit that does the hard work of digging up these relics and offers them accompanied by what they call “riffing,” meaning they crack jokes.

The danger here is concentrating on the commentary and not the movies. Here at The Lakeville Journal’s Bad Cinema Desk, we write our own jokes.

So when feasible, I found the straight version of a flick Rifftrax covers.

Free-with-ads services such as Tubi, Freevee, and Plex have vast libraries of cruddy stuff, so it’s not that hard to track these things down.

But sometimes it was just simpler to go with Rifftrax and do my best to avoid swiping their gags.

Here are five awful movies that got my attention, for all the wrong reasons.

“Mandy” (2018): Psychedelic pshocker with the always-entertaining Nicolas Cage doing battle against a cult of weirdos whose leader (Linus Roache) seems to think he’s a cross between Jesus and Charlie Manson, with a little Jon Anderson (of Yes) thrown in for seasoning.

The weirdos are in cahoots with a gang of mutant bikers, and everybody’s drinking down this sludgy LSD specially created for them by the Chemist because, A) he doesn’t like them, and B) he’s got a tiger.

Kung fu with chainsaws, medieval weapons and bare fists. Eyeball-popping. Barbed wire. Hallucinations galore. King Crimson music. Custom vans. About 40 gallons of blood. Dorm room theology. And Cage in his skivvies, for maximum horror.

“Fungicide” (2002): This could be called “outsider cinema.” It could also be called “amateurish dreck.” Both descriptions are correct.

A mad scientist, an ex-military guy with issues, a jort-wearing tough guy from Philly and a real estate dork all show up at a rustic bed and breakfast.

The mad scientist has done something to the mushrooms so the spores are floating around creating killer mushrooms and the world is gonna end. I think that’s the gist of it. It’s hard to tell. The sound is kinda muddy.

What makes this shine are the killer mushrooms. There are three types: Mushrooms with teeth that are about 2 feet tall; man-sized mushrooms (no teeth); and unconvincing computer mushrooms.

Mushroom attack cam. Real estate broker chewed by mushrooms. Excellent stick fights between cast members and the big mushrooms. The slowest martial arts kicks ever captured on someone’s aunt’s camcorder. Mad scientist who would steal the show if there was a show to steal. Fascinating in its way. However, you may lose IQ points by watching this.

"Miami Connection"Produced by P.J.K. Group

“Miami Connection” (1987): Also outsider cinema, in the sense that it really wants to be inside.

This flick centers around the guys in Dragon Sound, a rock band that made me long for the hard-hitting sounds of Journey or a tape of seals giving birth, whichever is easier to round up.

The Dragon Sound members study tae kwon do with the rhythm guitarist, Mark, and they need it because they get mixed up with a cocaine-dealing bunch of ninja-type bad guys. Also Mark’s not much of a guitarist.

The flick’s got a “Scooby-Doo” or “Archies” feel to it, marred somewhat by the star’s inability to speak English.

The music sequences would be unbelievable…except they are indistinguishable from rock videos of the era. So if the hard work of dozens of professional filmmakers and musicians can be duplicated for about 10 cents on the dollar by a bunch of complete amateurs, that says something. Something profound. And if you give me a minute I’ll remember what it is.

“Radical Jack” (2000): Starring Mr. Achy Breaky his ownself, Billy Ray Cyrus, as Jack, ex-CIA, seeker of justice and proud owner of the most spectacular mullet haircut in world history.

Jack blows into a small Vermont town and gets tangled up in an arms-dealing racket. I know that when I’m in the market for a rocket-propelled grenade launcher or some other handy item, I always think “Vermont.”

Here I must bow in tribute to Rifftrax for the vocal stylings during the sponge bath scene.

Elsewhere, you will be as pleased as I was when the son of the bad guy gets it right in the pleated Dockers. In these lax, postmodern times, crimes against style are so rarely punished in public.

"The Apple"Produced by NF Geria II Filmgesellschaft

“The Apple” (1980): Saving the absolute worst for last, this is a sci-fi rock musical, written and directed by Menahem Golan.

The story is that something called the BIM is coming, and a whole mob of freaks in shiny underwear have to get ready. Meanwhile this guy Alphie wants to rescue this girl Bibi from the BIM and go live in a field with the hippies.

It’s difficult to describe this adequately, so let’s just go with “bonkers,” which was how Falls Village’s Garth Kobal summed it up in a recent discussion of the trashy and ephemeral.

The high point is a musical number, “Coming.”

I used to think that Donna Summer’s 1975 disco hit “Love to Love You Baby” was the last word in sex songs. I mean, it’s about 20 minutes of moaning over a relentless beat.

But next to “Coming,” Summer’s effort sounds like a Gregorian chant.

The other high point is the end. Well, near the end.

There is an honest-to-God deus ex machina. Literally. A guy in a glowing white suit who gets out of a glowing white Rolls Royce in the sky to lead the hippies to Paradise.

And it’s not John Lennon.

Note: Many Rifftrax flicks (and predecessor “Mystery Science Theater 3000”) are available on the above-mentioned streaming services. For the uninitiated, watching a riffed version is a safe way to enter the world of Bad Cinema. Only advanced viewers should attempt the original versions, due to the very real possibility of irreparable brain damage.

Latest News

Recovery underway after July 4 storms devastate Northwest Corner

Ben Blackwell directs traffic in Salisbury as motorists navigate road closures caused by fallen trees.

Patrick L. Sullivan

This is a developing story.

After a series of extreme storms pummeled the Northwest Corner late July 4, communities are picking up the pieces and offering support to those affected by blocked roads, downed power lines, and power and water outages.

Keep ReadingShow less
Storms rip through Northwest Corner on July 4, stranding travelers, closing roads and knocking out power

A blocked road on Route 41 in Salisbury looking north at Cobble Road.

Patrick L. Sullivan

Updated July 5, 10:00 a.m.

What began as a picture-perfect Independence Day took an abrupt turn Saturday evening, as powerful thunderstorms and possible microbursts swept across the Northwest Corner, bringing down trees and power lines, closing roads and leaving many residents unable to reach home.

Keep ReadingShow less
Kent's Fourth of July plans change due to heat, potential storms

The Veteran’s Memorial is set to receive a new plaque commemorating Kent’s 44 known Revolutionary War servicemen. The stone will be displayed throughout the weekend’s USA 250 celebrations.

Alec Linden

KENT – Kent organizers made last-minute changes to the town's Independence Day celebrations due to extreme heat and possible storms, bringing some activities inside and making slight changes to the parade. Fireworks at Lake Waramaug are planned as scheduled.

Members of the town’s USA 250 Subcommittee made the changes during a July 1 after the National Weather Service issued an extreme heat warning. With temperatures expected to reach the low to mid-90s, Gov. Ned Lamont also activated Connecticut's Extreme Hot Weather Protocol on Tuesday, which remains in effect through Sunday.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

E. Jean Carroll backs out of book-signing event at Hotchkiss Library for safety reasons

The Hotchkiss Library of Sharon will host its 28th annual Sharon Summer Book Signing event July 31 through Aug. 2.

Aly Morrissey

SHARON – Facing threats of violence amid a public dispute with President Donald J. Trump, famed author and journalist E. Jean Carroll is no longer expected to attend a highly anticipated book-signing at The Hotchkiss Library of Sharon, though library officials said they have not received formal notice that she has canceled.

The meet and greet was originally scheduled for Aug. 1 as part of the library’s Sharon Summer Book Signing event – which will take place as planned – but Library Director Gretchen Hachmeister said July 2 that Carroll’s attendance is no longer expected. She said the writer is allegedly in an undisclosed location under police protection after receiving death threats related to a recent Supreme Court decision and the president’s subsequent posts on social media.

Keep ReadingShow less

HVRHS Announces Senior Awards

HVRHS Announces Senior Awards

Senior awards for the HVRHS Class of 2026 have been announced.

Nathan Miller

The Housatonic Valley Regional High School senior awards were announced for the Class of 2026. The graduation ceremony was held Friday, June 19. Student speakers acknowledged the importance of community, as several reflected on overcoming significant adversity in their young lives.

Norma Lake Award - Shanaya Duprey

Keep ReadingShow less

The nature of Upstate Art Weekend

The nature of Upstate Art Weekend
Opening of Upstate Art Weekend at Olana with Helen Toomer, Ellen Harvey, Jean Shin and Gabriela Salazar
D.H. Callahan

On Thursday, June 25, a collection of eager art enthusiasts gathered at Olana State Historic Estate in Hudson to kick off the seventh annual Upstate Art Weekend (UAW).

Helen Toomer, founder, was joined by sculptors Ellen Harvey, Jean Shin and Gabriela Salazar to discuss their work and the legacy of painter Frederic Church. Church, whose 200th birthday is being celebrated this year, is widely credited as one of the founding members of the Hudson River School of painting. The discussion took place at Olana, Church’s grand estate, where the three artists’ installations are on view.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.