Turning mourning into support: Bereavement group organizes in Pine Plains

PINE PLAINS — Dealing with loss is never easy. Dealing with the loss of a child can be especially traumatic.

“I could be driving down the road and something pops into my mind and I lose control,” said Ronnie Brenner-Walsh, whose 5-year-old son Khaliff was shot and killed by his father, Frank Hankerson, in 2010.

That’s why Brenner-Walsh, who is an EMT in her hometown of Pine Plains, wanted to start a bereavement support group for parents who have lost their children.

“The idea has been kicked around for a few years because the closest place you could get to a bereavement group is in Poughkeepsie,” she said. “One day we just said ‘Let’s do it,’ and got social worker Lisa Mitchetti involved. You need a licensed social worker to be affiliated with a bigger group, but we’re not, we’re kind of by ourselves.”

Brenner-Walsh said that having someone to talk to is key to recovery. She hopes the support group will offer that to those who attend.

“I do go to private therapy myself, which I don’t mind putting out there,” she said. “And I belong to Compassionate Friends. And Crime Victims in Poughkeepsie also has a support group. But I’m always going to Poughkeepsie, and it’s such a long ride for one to two nights a month. So to have a group in Pine Plains makes it much easier and more comforting. Everybody knows everybody, in one way or anther, so we decided to start something here.”

The goal of the bereavement support group is not exactly the same as private therapy. It’s to let people know they are not suffering alone, that other people understand their pain.

“That sadness and not being able to get out of bed every day or random crying at the drop of a hat — it’s good to hear that other people are going through the same thing — to know you’re not crazy or going out of your mind or too deep into grief or too shallow into grief,” said Brenner-Walsh. 

In session people will tell their stories, guided by the social worker. There might be a special topic offered for discussion each night, as a way to organize the meetings.

And it’s not only for Pine Plains residents; those from surrounding towns are invited to stop by, too.

“If somebody wants to come it’s open to them,” said Brenner-Walsh. “It’s just that we’ve been hit year after year with the death of people too soon in their lives. It’s just kind of overwhelming but we are definitely not just sticking with Pine Plains people. Wherever you live and want to come you can come. We just happen to live in Pine Plains and have seen multiple children pass away over the years.”

The meetings will be held on the first and third Sunday of every month, starting Aug. 2, at 6:30 p.m. Meeting space is being donated by the Pine Plains Presbyterian Church, but organizers want to stress that the meetings are nondenominational.

“It’s for anybody, but this was just a really great private spot in Pine Plains that we could use,” said Brenner-Walsh, “and Rev. Carol Miller and the deacons have all been very supportive of having the group there.”

Anyone can simply show up; registration is not required. For details call Brenner-Walsh at 518-929-5982 or Mitchetti at 518-398-6315. Sessions will continue, said Brenner-Walsh, as long as there’s just one person who shows interest.

“It does help,” she said of support groups. “There are some days when I left group sadder than when I went in and it does bring up feelings, but I think in a positive way, because they’re feelings you really need to deal with. I’m five years out, and they always say you’re so much better by then, but I don’t think that’s true. But ever since Khaliff died I felt this is what I wanted to do. I wanted to be a part of something.”