Vampire, Protect Me

The second installment of the so-called Twilight Saga is a lazy, shapeless mess that will nevertheless please the legions of young girls and women who thrill to the notion that a beautiful, powerful man (or vampire, or werewolf) will love them eternally, despite all their human flaws, and will protect them from everything dangerous, including themselves.

   It more or less faithfully sticks to the plot of the book, in which Bella (Kristen Stewart) is a high school student who loves Edward (Robert Pattinson), a vampire, and to her amazement, he loves her back. Bitten in 1918, when he was 17 years old, he is doomed to repeat high school over and over but has never found true love before.

   Bella is also  fond of Jacob (Taylor Lautner), a Quileute Indian with a secret of his own. Their love triangle plays out in the lush green forests, mountains and beaches of Forks, WA, where Edward and his family, the Cullens, live because it’s cloudy - they can go out during the day as long as they stay out of the sun.

   Bella is desperate for Edward to transform her into a vampire too, because with every passing day she becomes older, while Edward never ages. Soon, she fears, she will become withered and even more unlovable than she feels now.

   Edward, however, only wants what’s best for Bella, and so he leaves her. (Yes, he’s that kind of boyfriend.) She descends into deep depression, until she realizes that if she takes a crazy risk, Edward will appear to warn her to stay safe. While she’s manufacturing danger for herself (riding motorcycles, diving off cliffs), she is in more peril from the freelance vampires still stalking her since the last installment: Laurent and Victoria. In the absence of Edward, a new monster comes to her defense, a mysterious gigantic wolf and his brothers.

   All of this, and Bella’s anguished relationship with the adoring Jacob, takes more than two hours to tell, mostly because of interminable scenes involving gazing, mumbling, longing, kissing (or more accurately, kissus interruptus) and lots of scowling.  In between are plenty of opportunities for  buff young men to take their shirts off — Bella can’t tear her eyes away from Jacob’s pecs and biceps in the many scenes in which they take center stage. Edward’s, when he finally reappears, can’t measure up in sheer size, but he makes up for that with sparkle.

   More sparkle, along with a little light and color, is added near the end when Bella suddenly jets off to Italy, where she must confront the Volturi, the high priests of the vampire world. Entertainingly played by Michael Sheen, who channels a bit of Caligula-era John Hurt, and Dakota Fanning, who fixes her bulbous red eyes on her victims and shoots rays of pain at them, the volturi are on the verge of decapitating Edward. In one of the movie’s few departures from the book, there is a battle in addition to the lengthy and exceedingly dull negotiation that ultimately allows Bella and Edward to return unharmed to the murky green forest to continue their long dance of “change me!â€� “no, it’s not good for youâ€�  for another two installments.

   Stewart is an understated and subtle actress, but can do little to add any spark of interest to literature’s dullest heroine. Pattinson, absurdly made up with white skin and red lips, has little to do other than look pained and miserable, and he makes the most of it.  Lautner flashes his brilliant white smile and flexes his muscles, and is convincing as the heat to Edward’s chill. But nothing this trio does can make up for the ludicrous dialogue, and logical lapses and droopy pace. Not that anyone who chooses to see this film will care.