A 16th-century soap opera:

 How could a movie that is basically a two-hour soap opera — overcooked boiled cabbage — still leave me emotionally jolted?

  Perhaps I have a weakness for endings you could lose your head over.

  To borrow a line from "Monty Python’s Flying Circus," "Nudge, nudge.  Wink, wink.  Say no more."

  "The Other Boleyn Girl," directed by Justin Chadwick and based on the novel by Philippa Gregory, tells the tale of Anne Boleyn (Natalie Portman), who married King Henry VIII (Eric Bana), and gave birth to both the Church of England and the future Queen Elizabeth. 

  Not being much of a royal historian, I can’t vouch for the story’s truthfulness, though I’ve heard it through the grapevine that historical accuracy is, um, truncated here. And if you’re like me, I’ll bet you didn’t know that Anne had a sister named Scarlett Johansson – er, I mean, Mary, who competed for the king’s royal favors.  In fact, she had him first.  So there!

  Having Johansson on hand means you’re going to get lots of lingering shots of heaving bosoms and meaningful stares, or should I say her signature deer-in-the-headlights look. For contrast, Portman throws evil, steely-eyed looks around like confetti. 

  In one particularly wretched scene in which she is openly plotting against her sister, she stares for so long and with such malevolence that you expect snakes to spring out of her eyes at any moment.  And speaking of malevolent stares, David Morissey joins the glare-fest as the scheming Duke of Norfolk (and uncle to the Boleyn girls) who would stop at nothing for "power and position."

  Also earning face time are Mark Rylance as Papa Boleyn, wearing a sad, dreary mask throughout (a waste of his considerable talents) and Kristin Scott Thomas as Mama Boleyn.  May I just say that, even though made to look older than her true age, Thomas has such a strong, beautiful face that she far outshines the younger lovelies in this cast?

  Spanish actress Ana Torrent deserves special mention for her small role as Catherine of Aragon, the king’s first wife, who is unable to give him a male heir. 

  As for trivia such as direction, editing, camera-work, and the like — ugh.  This is the work of a first-time director whose notable previous credits appear to be a few "Masterpiece Theaters," and it shows. This is a movie in which gaps in the action are bridged by endless scenes of horses galloping — with riders billowing drapery or carrying banners, through moonlit forests or along beaches; you name it. 

  Did you know that galloping horses make the same sound on sandy beaches as they do in forests? 

I didn’t think so. 

In fact, it sounds suspiciously like they’re on cobblestones. 

Someone also forgot to tell the cinematographer that the 27th tracking shot from behind a pillar or post is not "art."

  And locked away in a vault somewhere there must be outtakes of scenes — such as the one in which Lady Boleyn bewails the fate of her children, slaps her husband, and curses the evil uncle — where we could watch the actors lose their composure over the pure silliness of it all.

  But for all that, and more, "The Other Boleyn Girl" has one thing going for it: a gripping story with a tragic ending.  Perhaps all those dewy-eyed stares and hugs and fights and makeups (plus one sordid twist) are all it takes to break down susceptible types like me. 

  Whatever the reason, the film’s emotional message of sibling loyalty and love, as well as its political message of the powerlessness of women in olden times, hit home.  In the end, it left me feeling that this was not a bad movie, but one that, in more capable hands, could have been a contender.

"The Other Boleyn Girl" is rated PG-13 for mature thematic elements, sexual content and some violent images. 

It is playing at the Moviehouse in Millerton and the Triplex in Great Barrington.