Cooling down those hot-button issues

Jill was renting a vacation house with three friends in the Bahamas. On the second day, she came downstairs to find one of the friends using her computer to check email. Jill had been in the middle of writing an email to her assistant, and it was still on the screen when she closed the lid the night before.When Jill saw her friend on her computer, without permission, she felt a surge of anger run through her. Her first thought was that her privacy was being invaded, and that her friend probably read the email she was in the middle of writing.Jill decided not to say anything to her friend because she didn’t want to appear controlling or selfish. She knew that people many times think of someone else’s computer in the same way as they think of a telephone — available for use.She decided to keep her computer in her bag from that point forward, and to log out of her desktop in case someone asked to borrow it. All good strategies, but in our session she wanted to talk about why it made her so angry — she wanted to know what was behind it.In my work as a coach, I’ve found that when something that someone else does pushes a hot button for you, most of the time it’s you, not them.I asked Jill to describe her feelings in more detail when she discovered her friend on her computer. “It was as if someone had gone in my office, and started rummaging through my files, like they were totally invading my personal space. But I also knew that people do this all the time and nobody else seems to get upset about it.”“Are there any other situations that trigger similar feelings?” I asked.“Well, yes. I get very upset when other people look over my shoulder when I am on the computer, and I don’t like people borrowing books without asking or going through my closet looking for a sweater or something; I know this kind of stuff doesn’t bother other people so much either.”Clearly privacy is a “hot button” for Jill. If you are feeling your buttons being pushed, most of the time you can go back to when the buttons were installed: childhood. “Was there ever a personal space issue in your childhood?”A big light went on. “I do remember my mother going through my garbage looking for stuff and reading my letters. She was invading my space. That made me so angry.”Ahhh, the source of all the feelings. Just being aware of where this button was installed made her feel like we were onto something.Jill admitted that her friends were hardly snooping around her private files and “going through her garbage.”“Then the issue is really in your head, are they all your mother in a way?”“Yes. Yes.”As it was, what her friends were doing felt unsafe, even though it was harmless. If you want to make a breakthrough fast, try stepping into the zone of discomfort a little more. There is no better way to make progress on a hot button than to experience it again with new awareness.I suggested her next step was to lend her computer out when she saw the opportunity, just to experience that it was safe to do. Once she took the leap and lent it out a few times, combined with her awareness about her childhood “trauma,” the button disappeared almost entirely; it was that easy.Whenever you feel triggered, it’s usually you, not them. It’s a great time for a closer look. Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email him at bloening@snet.net.