Thank you!
Your support is sustaining the future of local news in our communities.

Cooling down those hot-button issues

Jill was renting a vacation house with three friends in the Bahamas. On the second day, she came downstairs to find one of the friends using her computer to check email. Jill had been in the middle of writing an email to her assistant, and it was still on the screen when she closed the lid the night before.When Jill saw her friend on her computer, without permission, she felt a surge of anger run through her. Her first thought was that her privacy was being invaded, and that her friend probably read the email she was in the middle of writing.Jill decided not to say anything to her friend because she didn’t want to appear controlling or selfish. She knew that people many times think of someone else’s computer in the same way as they think of a telephone — available for use.She decided to keep her computer in her bag from that point forward, and to log out of her desktop in case someone asked to borrow it. All good strategies, but in our session she wanted to talk about why it made her so angry — she wanted to know what was behind it.In my work as a coach, I’ve found that when something that someone else does pushes a hot button for you, most of the time it’s you, not them.I asked Jill to describe her feelings in more detail when she discovered her friend on her computer. “It was as if someone had gone in my office, and started rummaging through my files, like they were totally invading my personal space. But I also knew that people do this all the time and nobody else seems to get upset about it.”“Are there any other situations that trigger similar feelings?” I asked.“Well, yes. I get very upset when other people look over my shoulder when I am on the computer, and I don’t like people borrowing books without asking or going through my closet looking for a sweater or something; I know this kind of stuff doesn’t bother other people so much either.”Clearly privacy is a “hot button” for Jill. If you are feeling your buttons being pushed, most of the time you can go back to when the buttons were installed: childhood. “Was there ever a personal space issue in your childhood?”A big light went on. “I do remember my mother going through my garbage looking for stuff and reading my letters. She was invading my space. That made me so angry.”Ahhh, the source of all the feelings. Just being aware of where this button was installed made her feel like we were onto something.Jill admitted that her friends were hardly snooping around her private files and “going through her garbage.”“Then the issue is really in your head, are they all your mother in a way?”“Yes. Yes.”As it was, what her friends were doing felt unsafe, even though it was harmless. If you want to make a breakthrough fast, try stepping into the zone of discomfort a little more. There is no better way to make progress on a hot button than to experience it again with new awareness.I suggested her next step was to lend her computer out when she saw the opportunity, just to experience that it was safe to do. Once she took the leap and lent it out a few times, combined with her awareness about her childhood “trauma,” the button disappeared almost entirely; it was that easy.Whenever you feel triggered, it’s usually you, not them. It’s a great time for a closer look. Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, email him at bloening@snet.net.

Latest News

Fallen tree downs power lines, blocks Route 112

Eversource crews work to repair damaged power lines after a tree fell near onto Route 112 just north of the Interlaken Inn on Monday, June 22.

Photo by Nathan Miller

LAKEVILLE — A tree fell on Route 112 Monday, June 22, downing power lines and blocking traffic north of Route 41 near the Hotchkiss Four Corners.

Eversource crews on scene at 4:45 p.m. said power lines were being repaired and utility service had been restored to customers in the area.

Keep ReadingShow less

Francis Lynehan

Francis Lynehan

DOVER PLAINS — Francis “Butch” Lynehan, 75, a twenty-year resident of Dover Plains, New York, formerly of Sharon, passed away unexpectedly on Thursday, May 7, 2026 at Vassar Bros. Medical Center in Poughkeepsie, New York.

Born Aug. 29, 1950, in Sharon, he was the son of the late William W. and Nellie (Kluun) Lynehan.

Keep ReadingShow less

Richard McGriff

Richard McGriff

TACONIC — Richard McGriff died unexpectedly on May 16, 2026. This is a collection of loving reminiscences.

With a smile like that and a laugh like that and a soul like that, how could you not love him? Macey Levin and Gloria Miller

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

Juneteenth graduation celebrates Berkshire’s next generation of leaders

Cohort 2026 members Abigail Horace, Adam Liccardi, Adrian Lynch, Cameo Brown, Chauncey Dozier, Claudette Grant, Erline Saintilet, Harmony Edwards, Kamayue Gomes, Mackenzie Colvin, Otis West, Shadre Domingo, TJ West and Tyeesha Keele-Kedroe and Blackshires’ leadership team John Lewis, Patrick Danahey, Dubois Thomas and Julie Haagenson gather at the Blackshires City Hall Fishbowl alongside Mayor Peter Marchetti and city officials Michael Obasohan, Brandon Gill, Katherine VanBramer, Heather Brazeau, Justine Dodds and Jesse Tobin McCauley.

Provided

When designer Abigail Horace joined the Blackshires Leadership Accelerator, she was looking for support for her business, Casa Marcelo, which was founded in Salisbury in 2019. Through the Accelerator, she created the Black Berkshires Social Club, which creates culturally grounded social spaces for Black and BIPOC residents in the region. Throughout her experience, Horace found a community of peers invested in one another’s success.

“Finding Blackshires has been transformative,” Horace said. “Being a BIPOC founder in this region can feel isolating, and this community has changed that. They see my work, champion my business and have opened doors I couldn’t have opened alone.”

Keep ReadingShow less
Forged by curiosity: Art, craftsmanship and big fun with Izzy Fitch

Izzy Fitch at Battle Hill Forge in Wassaic.

Madi Long
I’m not really inventing anything new. I just tweak it a little bit.— Izzy Fitch

A steel praying mantis stands among garden accents at Battle Hill Forge in Wassaic, its folded forelegs ready for prayer and mischief in equal measure.

“She’s very nice,” said blacksmith, sculptor and Battle Hill Forge owner Izzy Fitch, patting the giant insect affectionately. Then he added, “Just don’t go out to dinner with her.”

Keep ReadingShow less
Unexpected subjects, familiar beauty in new Kent exhibits
Millerton-based artist Alexis England with her flamingo and mandrill portraits at Peggy Mercury in Kent.
D.H. Callahan

Kent Barns was alive with art on Saturday, June 13, as three new shows opened at Peggy Mercury and Kenise Barnes Fine Art, featuring a variety of fascinating paintings and drawings from four local artists.

Peggy Mercury, which in just two years has earned a reputation for curating remarkable collections of fine beauty products and accessories, continues to find exciting art to complement its offerings. The new show, “Portraits,” features four pairs of paintings by Millerton-based artist Alexis England. The “portraits” she paints, however, feature some pretty unexpected sitters.

Keep ReadingShow less
google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.

google preferred source

Want more of our stories on Google? Click here to make us a Preferred Source.