Idiot proof

Marketers. They’re just chock-a-block full of insights on the American consumer. It seems that one of their whiz kids has determined that we don’t absorb their messages on the first shot.

Now we get the same TV ad repeated, not just again and again at each commercial break, but sometimes two or three times back to back on the same commercial break. Now we get the same TV ad repeated, not just again and again at each commercial break, but sometimes two or three times back to back on the same commercial break. (Are you getting this?)

This must be based on the time-proven technique, much favored by dictators, that if you repeat something often enough it will eventually be believed. You can even convince yourself. This is also manifested as a popular criminal defense known as “Deny, deny, deny.�

I have an older TV, thus, the tactic of increasing the volume of the commercials works. There I am, comfortably dozing through the History Channel’s “History of the Potato Chip,â€� when Bam! Billy is suddenly screaming at me to buy floor finisher.  It certainly makes an impression. I’m not sure if it’s the one they were shooting for.

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For years they have been hammering me to buy a big, flat-screen TV, making the point that you really need a 3-foot wide screen with surround sound to get the full effect.

Having been convinced that you really need the wide screen, they (satellite TV) proceed to explain how they are now giving us this great thing whereby you get five different views at the same time. Of course the views will be very tiny, but there are five of them!

How great is this? I’m not sure. I could never really focus at a three-ring circus, never mind five different screens at once.

They then tell me that I also need those little tiny televisions with the tinny sound because they are so portable. These are the ones they put in the new cars (God forbid that the kids in the back seat should actually be subjected to real world stimuli) and in the hands of the sports fans watching in their seats at the game. They are too far away to actually see the live action. Personally, I hate having to carry a wallet. I can’t imagine lugging a TV around with me.

You will have to excuse me now. I have to get the 800 number to order the Ultimate Collection of Unintelligible Opera. Billy says it will only go up in value.

If I order in the next 15 minutes they will send me a tote bag for my portable TV.

Bill Abrams resides in Pine Plains.