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Longer Than the Flood Itself

The first thing that really struck me about “Noah” was, when all hell has broken loose and it’s time to shut the doors and get on with the voyage, nobody remembers to light a couple of lamps. The second thing that occurred to me was that the ark must have had a pretty funky atmosphere — especially once the snakes and creepy-crawly things arrived. Director Darren Aronofsky takes the familiar Biblical narrative and adds lots of super-duper special effects, some gnomic utterances, a few plot twists that prolong the story a great deal and these rock monster/fallen angel creatures that mash everybody to bits and then explode. Russell Crowe is Noah. Noah is an intense, brooding sort of fellow who changes hairstyles a lot.He’s got his wife Naameh (Jennifer Connelly) and sons Ham (Logan Lerman), Shem (Douglas Booth) and Japheth (Leo McHugh Carroll). Along the way they pick up Ila (Emma Watson). “Noah” is filmed in exciting Hallucinoscope, which is helpful when trying to indicate that someone is having a vision. Noah has a whole bunch of them, at very inconvenient times. One of the things he forgets — besides the lamps — is that his sons are going to need girls if they are to do their bit with the going forth and multiplying. So he sneaks into the camp of the people of Cain, who are starting to get the idea that the end is near and are tearing it up like it’s High Street in Columbus, Ohio, after Ohio State loses to Michigan. Noah’s seen it all, but he draws the line at cannibalism. So he heads back to the ark without any girls, and it’s tough darts for the boys, and the human race in general. But meanwhile old Methuselah (Anthony Hopkins) is grubbing around in the forest looking for berries and he fixes Ila so she can have kids. This displeases Noah no end, and leads to some serious friction aboard the ark. Especially when Ila and Shem have twin girls they name Gwyneth and Paris. Noah doesn’t understand the sinister import of this development until Ham Googles the names in his iPhone. Then Noah, who by this time has morphed into a real grouch, goes berserk. Haha, just kidding. Ham tries to Google, but he can’t get a signal. Oh, and there’s a stowaway on board, too — the evil Tubal-Cain (Ray Winstone), who has conned Ham into keeping quiet about his presence. All this comes under the general heading of “too much plot getting in the way of the story.” So when you boil this flick down you have your basic Captain Ahab/Bligh guy freaking out in every direction and making life even more miserable than it would be normally during a flood sent by God to destroy most of the world. Add special effects galore and you’ve got this overlong hodgepodge of scripture, action and fantasy. “Noah” is tedious, at best. Hopkins provides some comic relief — I half expected him to say “Have you brought me berries, Clarice?” when Naameh trundles up to his cave. Everybody else plays their parts in standard teen blockbuster fashion — all stony expressions, cryptic utterances and hollow cheeks. The costumes are straight out of the Heritage Hipster Handbook. All the men would look at home at any given coffee house in Portland, Ore. The special effects are fine, but they do not make a movie. And the stone monster/angel critters are just silly. “Noah” is pretentious and silly and far too long. The Flood itself only lasted 40 days and 40 nights. If only the film were as concise.

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