Stimulating simulations

A common philosophical argument states that we may already be living in a computer simulation constructed by some advanced race of aliens who have programmed us to see how we handle life’s difficulties while living in this unevolved, primitive state.

Since this is a sports not a philosophy column, the answer should be obvious; we learn how to understand what goes on around us by the sports we watch. What else can fill an arena with thousands of people willing to immerse themselves in the show presented to them on the field of play and take those lessons home to their daily lives?

Play in all animals is a way of learning about how to survive in the world. Sports is merely play that we can watch when we are too old to run around like bear cubs, and each form of play teaches different lessons both to us and the cubs.

Baseball is the perfect industrial/corporate view of the world. Everyone has a job to do, and how successful the corporate team is depends on how well everyone does the allotted job. We can celebrate individual excellence, but the real test is where your team is in the stock market — I mean divisional standings.

Football is, of course, your basic feudal war computer game. As an individual, you are no longer important. You give up your body and soul so that your clan, tribe, kingdom can win the day. There is no second place; defeat is terminal and forever. “Game over dude!” At least until next week.

Racquet sports and to a certain extent golf are similar to football except that it is the jousting tournament that stands as the model. These are sports that show the world as a series of one-on-one match-ups where only the victor survives. Fighting sports don’t bother with metaphors like racquets; they just get right down to business.

Basketball as well as all other flow sports like soccer and lacrosse are games deliberately kept simple so that talent can shine. This is essentially an artistic view of a world in which talent is celebrated as a form of god-given superiority, which to the rest of us remains a mystery we can only bow down to and basely attempt to imitate, and the shoes ain’t doing it.

Of course, being a fan is more complex than I have outlined above, but that is why different sports appeal to different people. Nice how that works out so well.

So, which sport we love should tell us something about ourselves and how we perceive this weird artificial reality we call life. Whichever sport we pick, we can find it by sitting in the bleachers, munching on a real hot dog and saying “hi” to the alien computer programmer across the aisle. See you there.

Millerton resident Theodore Kneeland is a retired teacher and coach — and ballplayer.

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