Braving rain, and shame, to share stories of abuse

CORNWALL — Like tears from above, the gentle patter of raindrops punctuated the silence as the names of 15 victims of domestic violence were read. The youngest was 21, the oldest 83. They were mothers and daughters. Fathers and sons. Friends and neighbors. They lived in big cities and small towns across Connecticut. And they were all killed at the hands of their partners.

Domestic violence doesn’t discriminate, according to victim advocates, and it is still very much a problem close to home.a

“We now know there are a lot more victims than we ever dreamed of in 1982 or 1983, which also means there are a lot more violent individuals out there,” the Rev. Diane Monti-Catania of Salisbury Congregational Church said at the Women’s Support Services’ (WSS) annual Community Vigil on Tuesday, Oct. 2, on the Green in Cornwall. 

The threat of severe weather moved the event inside the nearby Town Hall, but the steady rain and wet roads didn’t stop close to 100 people from turning out in solidarity, all taking a stand to end domestic violence.

“The statistics haven’t changed, we have so much to do,” said Monti-Catania. 

She and others who spoke said the problem is heightened by the recent polarization of the country over national issues involving sexual assault and domestic violence. 

“I am worried,” she said, “that the voices of victims will not be heard over the din of deniers.”

Monti-Catania noted that the profile of victims has broadened over the years. 

“I now see married and unmarried women, men, children, members of the LGBT community and the elderly. We now know there are a lot more victims than we ever dreamed of.” 

The WSS advocates said one in three women and one in four men have been victims of some sort of physical violence by an intimate partner sometime in their lifetime, and that women between the age of 18 and 24 are the most commonly abused. Also, 19 percent of domestic violence that is reported involves a weapon, and the presence of a gun in domestic violence situations increases the risk of homicide by 500 percent, according to the event organizers.

Each year the Sharon-based WSS holds its annual vigil in one of its service towns; this year, Cornwall hosted the event. The town’s first selectman, Gordon Ridgway, said he has seen the pain that domestic violence causes. 

“It’s a local issue. Just because we have cows that look pretty when you drive by doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen here,” he said, slightly choked up as he recalled one particular instance. 

“I feel the pain of the people who are in that situation.” 

Ridgway then officially proclaimed October as Domestic Violence Awareness Month in Cornwall, and called out to all citizens “to recognize this important event.”

Liz Davis, an adult advocate with WSS, is also an abuse survivor, a secret she said she held from others for many years. 

“I was trapped by shame, and it silenced me for a very long time,” Davis said. “Shame is blinding, deafening and silencing. I challenge everyone here tonight to believe those who share their stories; I know I do.”

Deanna Barry, WSS community educator, thanked the organization’s Main Street Partners, comprising more than 140 businesses and providers committed to ending domestic violence in their communities. In addition to supporting the work of WSS, the Partners also offer a safe place for survivors to use a phone in times of need. 

“The work we do doesn’t happen in a vacuum,” said Barry; it happens through a united community. “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

This past year Women’s Support Services responded to 343 hotline crisis calls and provided support services to 684 clients, 453 of whom were new clients and 28 of whom were children “who were traumatized by the effects of family violence in their home,” said Betsey Mauro, executive director of the nonprofit group. 

In addition, she said, “this year there will be over 100 prevention workshops” given to children and teens in local schools.

Monti-Catania challenged those in attendance to do more than acknowledge that domestic violence exists. 

“Take action. Go with victims to court. To the hospital. To school to explain to the guidance counselor why they have a restraining order. If you have a victim of domestic violence in your own family, open your heart. If you find yourself blaming victims of domestic violence, search your heart.”