Don’t live your ‘story’ over and over again

Jim found himself in the same predicament again and again. He was constantly trying to make it up to people for disappointments he felt he had caused. “I’m always disappointing people, and then running around trying to fix it.” In his childhood, there had been a pattern in which his mother was constantly disappointed in him and he was sure that “un-disappointing” her would win her affection; at that age it felt like life or death to him. That was a long time ago, but Jim, in his mid 40s now, still found himself disappointing and “un-disappointing” his friends and co-workers.At work he was in demand and his co-workers were constantly asking for his advice and help. He was always saying “yes” to projects and requests for extra research, and serving on various internal think tanks. But he found himself overwhelmed, overscheduled and dropping the ball when it came to returning e-mails and on general follow through. He felt people were constantly thinking that he had forgotten about them or that they were a low priority for him.He couldn’t live with leaving people in a bind, so much of his time was spent running around trying to make it up to them. It was a vicious cycle because the more time he spent fixing things, the less time he had to follow through on his promises. Subconsciously, it appeared to be working perfectly for him, though. Making it up to co-workers he had disappointed felt better than just following through in the first place, or being honest and saying “no” when he was overextended. The storyJim was clearly replaying the whole disappoint, un-disappoint scenario of his childhood. This was his story. Un-disappointing his mother translated into getting the love he needed for his very survival as a child. As an adult, on an unconscious level, he was setting up situations where he would disappoint people so he would be able to make it up to them. To Jim, getting approval from other people depended on this story playing itself out. Your “story” is what allows you to survive in life; it is who you think you are, and without it you might feel threatened. People can go through their lives with a story about themselves, constructed from childhood, which they will constantly recreate situations to prove that the story is true. AwarenessJim knew that this pattern of constantly saying “yes” when he could not follow through, then disappointing everyone, and finally trying to fix everything, was not working for anyone. The process of talking about how it repeatedly played itself out in so many ways, and tracing its origins, helped Jim understand the bigger picture and take more control.With this new awareness of his “story,” Jim was able to start cutting back on saying yes when he was overbooked and setting himself up for disappointing everyone. He knew that his survival and happiness did not depend on being able to continually make it up to everyone. ActionI suggested to Jim that he say “no” to a request that he knew was going to land in his e-mail that week. He was able to do it, and experienced a sense of relief when it was received very well. He continued to choose specific situations where he could make better choices in not disappointing his coworkers. With each one, it got easier as he began to realize that it was safe for him to choose that new path, that he would survive without all the disappointing and un-disappointing. What is your story? Seldom does a story built from childhood experiences continue to work in your favor later in life. Becoming aware of your story is the first step to undoing your subconscious need to live it over and over. Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who works with individuals, and runs weekly coaching groups on achieving growth in career, health and relationships. To make column suggestions, e-mail him at bloening@snet.net.