When young people act violently

Two of the greatest tragedies of the past year involved young men who were 19 or 20 years old. The Norfolk Curling Club fire and the associated arsons and break-ins at nearby homes were committed by two 19-year-old men in December 2011 (both men, now 20, were sentenced to 10 years in prison in December 2012).And the young man who shot his mother, 26 people at Sandy Hook Elementary School and then took his own life was also 20.The Lakeville Journal spoke to Ray Gorman, executive director of Community Mental Health Affiliates (CMHA), about these two incidents. One question raised was about the two young men from the Norfolk arsons, neither of whom had a police record and both of whom were described by friends and family as just “normal” young men. After the fires and after the Newtown shooting, many people wondered if they should have seen warning signs in the behavior of the teens in their own communities. The Newtown shooter was described as very quiet, a loner. The two young men from the Norfolk arsons were described by their parents and even by themselves as typical “dumb” teens who might have spent too much time sitting in their rooms, perhaps smoking pot, who might have been bored, who might have been too selfish — but who were not considered dangerous. When should community members worry if they see that kind of behavior?“This is one of the most vexing and difficult questions we’re going to be struggling with now and for quite some time,” Gorman said. One potential reason why a problem child can escape detection before he or she does something destructive, he said, is that school teachers only spend an hour or two in class with a child each day; and that teachers don’t generally get together at the end of the day and compare notes on how students are doing.“These tragedies are horrible,” Gorman said, “and in the coming days and weeks there will be an awful lot said about how people should have seen the signs. But our structures and systems aren’t set up for that.”How families can helpThe other problem is that, at the age of 19 or 20, these problem children are no longer children; they are, legally, adults even if they are not fully mature and responsible yet. They cannot be forced to go to therapy or to take medication. And they are independent, with drivers licenses and, often, their own cars.They are also old enough to find their way around state laws. The two young men from the Norfolk arsons were not old enough to buy liquor but somehow managed to buy two 40-ounce bottles of beer, as well as K2 (a potent synthetic marijuana that was sold over-the-counter at gas stations in 2011) and Four Loko (a caffeinated form of alcoholic beverage that could also be sold legally in 2011 but which has since been banned).“More and more kids are still living with their parents because of the economy but they are at the age of adulthood, at the legal age of responsibility,” Gorman said. “How do you manage that dynamic? One thing we always say to parents is that you never stop being the parent. You need to make sure that your child knows it is safe to talk to you, that you can be nonjudgmental and you help them without lecturing them.“They are looking for guidance and direction but not orders. That can be a difficult line for a parent to tread at times. Most of us, as parents, aren’t that good at showing our emotions to our children when we’re worried about them. We are harsh or we tell them not to make the mistakes we made.“And they need to know that their family is prepared to listen and that things are going to be OK, that there is no problem so large that a family working together can’t resolve it.“We realize how fleeting life is and we need to let our kids know every day how important they are to us. Our kids are always our kids, no matter how old they are. They hear it when we say it to them; even if you think they’re not listening, they are. It’s not lost on them. “Sometimes, because kids are so visual, you can’t just say it to them. You might have to show it and not just say it. It can be as simple as a smile, a nod of the head, a pat on the back.”Perhaps most important, “They need to see that we are listening to them more than knowing they are listening to us.”The teen networkYoung people will also wonder if they should have said something to the adults around them if they had concerns about a classmate. They will wonder if every quiet student should be reported to the authorities.“Every school in Connecticut has kids who demonstrate introverted behavior,” Gorman said. “The kids who aren’t on the sports teams, who seem to walk down the hallway with their heads down. Will all these kids commit violent acts? Of course not.”Teens do seem to have their own communication networks, Gorman said.“My kids don’t read the newspaper or watch the news on television but they seem to know more quickly than I do what’s going on. They’re all on social media, and they talk to other kids. One thing we need to do is to let kids know through their peers that there is support available. “Kids are always worried about ‘ratting each other out.’ They don’t want to get someone in trouble. We need to figure out a way for peers to help peers reach out when they are troubled by stress or depression.”The impact of the season“I think there is some truth to the idea that the holidays are a difficult time,” Gorman said, noting that the Norfolk arsons happened Dec. 18 and the Newtown shooting took place Dec. 14.“The holidays are characterized as a time for celebration and joy, a time to give and not receive,” he said. “If you’re carrying something inside that you haven’t resolved, it can make you feel like an outsider. You see other people reaching out but you know that you don’t feel merry or happy.”Young people who perpetrate these kinds of catastrophic crimes are also “crying out for attention. They want to find a way to make a statement, to show they are powerful and important. So they’re going to do it at a time when it resonates. They’re not going to do it alone, late at night, in the desert.”Security and safety“Right after 9/11, there were police stationed near schools,” Gorman said. “It had no connection to what had happened with the terror attacks, but having an authority figure there made those kids feel safe.”He feels that it’s a good thing that schools have increased security measures. “It’s time we take into consideration that nothing is more important than the safety and security of our kids.”This extends not only to increasing security but also to increased government spending on mental health services.“Someone was saying to me the other day that we’re all talking about the fiscal cliff, but there is also a human cliff and people are going to fall into that chasm if programs are not there for them when they need them.“We hope the government won’t make it more difficult with more funding cuts but it appears that will be the case. We do our best to offer services and help as many people as we can and we hope people will come to us, or to anybody who can help them, whether it’s a mental health professional, a member of the clergy, anyone so long as they don’t keep it bottled up. “Their confidence will be maintained. And it’s often helpful just to get things off their chests, and perhaps to learn that other young people have the same issues and feel the same way.”For young people who have talked to one person without finding relief, Gorman encouraged them to keep trying to find the right person.“Not every intervention is successful. Sometimes it’s an issue of personality. You have to try a different mode or another person. Ask for a different clinician.”Don’t give up. CMHA has 17 locations in six towns in the state, including Lakeville and Torrington as well as other towns in the state. To contact the Lakeville office, call 860-435-2529.