The Worst Films Ever Made

Amazon Prime is a wonderful service that allows the subscriber to find quite easily all sorts of things – including some of the worst films ever made.

It’s magical!

Drop everything and find “Naked As Nature Intended,” a 1961 nudist film by the immortal Harrison Marks.

It has cows, ducks, Stonehenge, girls in Capri pants and the Famous Lorna Doone coach.

Personally, seeing Pam, Jackie and the gang encounter the Famous Lorna Doone coach is a real highlight of my career as an important and influential film critic.

Oddly, the one thing this flick is a little light on is nekkidity.

But it makes up for that with some of the world’s slowest driving.

For some reason that can probably be explained by the word “algorithim,” in September 2017 Amazon was pushing something called “Space Boobs in Space,” which looked like it might be okay, if redundant.

As opposed to “Space Boobs in Arkansas,” I mean.

Well, it’s an appallingly amateurish mess that appears to have been shot on someone’s phone.

If you can make it past the 10-minute mark you win the Gunga Din Award.

“Space Boobs in Space” is not to be confused with “Space Babes in Space,” which I think is a porn flick.

“Savage Weekend” is an extremely tedious exploitation film made for about $38 in 1979. Apart from four breasts, there isn’t much here except for William Sanderson as “Otis.”

Sanderson plays the same role he always does, except usually his character is named “Cooter.”

Death by hanging, hat pin, electrocution, blunt force trauma and chain saw. Bulletin: People in upstate New York are violent goobers who listen to Jeezus radio and don’t like gay guys in their saloons. Frolicking in the fields, which in the age of Lyme disease is probably a thing of the past. Long soliloquies by Cooter in a graveyard. Boat-building.

Not even Mystery Science Theater could save this.

The immortal Rutger Hauer stars in a 2011 straight-to-video piece of futuristic shlock called “Hobo With a Shotgun.”

Rutger is the Hobo. There’s the Drake, the criminal boss of [Bad Word] Town and his two sadistic sons, Slick and Ivan; there’s Abby, the hooker with a heart of gold; and there are two guys dressed like scrapyard knights of yore called the Plague, for some reason.

So the brothers irritate the Hobo, who gets a magic shotgun that never ever requires reloading and starts cleaning up the town and there’s some plot and lots of blood and pretty much everybody dies and if they don’t die they lose important parts of their personal bodies.

Death by barbed-wire noose. Death by hanging with spear gun assist (times three). Glass-eating. Shamefully wasteful cocaine use.

And because this is a Canadian flick, ice skates take on sinister significance.

“Hobo with a Shotgun” has no redeeming qualities except one — it’s short.

This story is part of a continuing investigation.