Last week, Al and Tipper Gore announced they were separating after 40 years of marriage. The media analysis started immediately. The New York Times said, “In political circles, reaction to the Gore news struck often on the Clinton connection and the inherent irony of it. There was always a perception that the Clintons would split up the day they left the White House.… And there was never any suggestion that the Gores would have.â€
The Gores represented the perfect all-American family. In politics this used to be essential. (Though as events would show, it was not enough to clinch the election. But maybe because at that point it was no longer the American public deciding, rather nine court justices.)
Americans seem most comfortable with simplistic extremes: This couple has a happy marriage, that couple has a troubled marriage. Dualities and complexities, particularly in politics, aren’t discussed. But of course they exist and every person who has ever been in a relationship, whether sanctified by marriage vows or not, knows this.
I think that after spending 40 years together, much of it lived in the public eye, enduring disappointments and losses and raising children together, they had a successful marriage. And from the wording of their announcement, they will continue to have a successful relationship.
On the Today show the announcer used these words; “Perfect marriage.†“Sad end to a storybook love affair.†“They seemed very much in love.†“After 40 years of marriage, why screw it up?â€
Let’s parse these comments:
“Perfect marriage.†Perfect – really? There’s the American tendency to go to the extreme again. Why not say “good marriage� No marriage is perfect. Marriages and long-term relationships are extremely hard work and they require vast amounts of compromise, personal sublimation and good humor. Anyone who has ever been married or even in a long-term relationship recognizes that. White-washing it almost negates the struggle.
“Sad end to a storybook love affair.†Hold on! Why is it sad? Or a better question might be, for whom is it sad? Not for the Gores. They lived it, experienced all the ups and downs and know that the storybook had lots of pages in it that were probably not publishable because they were either too boring or too messy. Sad? Maybe, for us — the audience; for those who seek role models and want to believe that the perfect union exists.
“They seemed very much in love.†No need to qualify it with the word “seemed.†They were in love. Probably still are. Or, if the phrase “in love†suggests passion and sex, then at least they still love each other. That is clear from the respect they show each other.
“After 40 years of marriage, why screw it up?†Whoa! There are so many things wrong with this statement, I hardly know where to start. Maybe there’s something else going on here. Maybe they’re salvaging their marriage. Maybe they would be screwing it up if they continued to be married and it is time for it to be over, naturally and organically. Maybe they are honoring their marriage by putting the seal on it. There. Done. Complete. Maybe the Gores are showing another path.
If marriage is a challenge, consider the added difficulties of being in the public eye, and on top of that, in politics. Americans like their politicians happily married. But divorce is now the outcome of approximately 50 percent of marriages in this country. The political marriage is like a deer caught in the headlights about to become road kill.
The Gores came to represent something that perhaps they didn’t personally feel, but they wore the mantle anyway. They did not ask to be put on the pedestal, but there they have been for a very long time. They can be forgiven for wanting to step down and live outside the definitions set by the American public.
Some will say the couple that seemed to represent the all-American family and its “family values†let us down. They didn’t. They are actually leading the way. Because it doesn’t make a bit of difference to any of us, whether Al and Tipper live in the same house together anymore. They should be our role models, not for the perfect marriage, but for the realization that there are many, many ways to experience marriage and the important part is that whatever you do, you do it with decency, compassion and respect.
Tara Kelly, copy editor at The Lakeville Journal, is an avid follower of social trends. She may be reached by e-mail at tarak@lakevillejournal.com.
