Connie talked to me about a meltdown she had with a good friend. They were part of a women’s group and Connie had sent her friend a private e-mail about some things that were irritating her with the group. Her friend had written Connie back in defense of the group — cc-ing one of the other members, and including the copy of Connie’s private note.
When Connie received this e-mail, she felt hurt. She left her friend a phone message about the way she felt and that the cc e-mail was inappropriate, and asked for an apology. She admitted the message was a little harsh, which was not surprising because she was unable to hide her emotion. She promptly got an e-mail response from her friend telling her that she would not speak to Connie until she calmed down and that she was out of line about her reaction. On top of that, the friend stated that there would be no apology because what she did was not wrong in any way.
Connie was at an impasse as to what to do next — which was the point at which she came to talk me. One thing she stressed when she told me her story was that the friendship was very important to her and she did not want to jeopardize it; after she received an apology from her friend she wanted to put the incident behind them.
The first thing I asked Connie to do was to take out her iPhone and read the e-mail aloud, because many times e-mails don’t feel as harsh when you have a clear head. After hearing it, I observed, “That e-mail does not seem like an attack to me. How does it feel to you at this point?â€
Connie looked a little sheepish, replying, “Well, I guess she has a point.†Then she added, “But it was still inappropriate to embarrass me in front of the other woman.â€
“But could you see how, from your friend’s point of view, she might feel that she was completely justified in what she did?â€
“Yes.â€
“And do you think you have any chance of getting her to agree that you are actually the one who is right if you really laid out all the evidence?â€
Connie thought about it. “Probably not,†she admitted.
“Close your eyes for a moment and breathe,†I told her, because I wanted her to see that she actually did not need to prove that her friend was “wrong†to find peace and get her friendship back. “What would it feel like if you did not need to prove that you were right to your friend or anyone in the group?â€
She closed her eyes and really meditated over that question. “I would be at peace; I would be free,†she said finally.
I asked, “Would you rather be right or free?â€
Connie exhaled. “Free.†Having gained this new perspective, she added, “My friend is going through a really difficult time personally right now, so I see how this may not be about me at all. I just want our friendship back. She is really important to me.â€
At this point it seemed that Connie saw that an act of forgiveness and letting go on her part might be the best thing for both of them.
I advised Connie to write a note to her friend acknowledging her own harsh words and telling her that she wanted to drop the matter and move on. I explained how, in doing this, she would have to be willing to completely let go of her need to be “right†and not look back.
This was a tough pill to swallow, but seeing the alternatives, she was willing to do it. Connie did not get an apology from her friend, but she did get an understanding and friendly note. Connie was able to put the entire thing behind her and she was amazed at how quickly things got back to normal with her friend. She was even happy to learn a few days later how nobody in the group seemed to really care about the e-mail at all. She also reported that she was more prepared to “release the need to be right†in future situations, as the payoff was huge.
Brooke Loening is a life coach in Sharon who helps individuals make lasting changes in their career, health and relationships. For more information and previous columns visit theloeningplan.com. Columns can also be found at tcextra.com.
